NOT goin' to camp.

Well... another setback. Apparently, I can't get hired as a pipefitter, without being indentured as a pipefitter, but I can't get indentured until I get hired. Firebag isn't happening. I'm back to being broke, unemployed, with zero job prospects, and living with my parents for the forseeable future. It's ok though, i'm healthy, and my kids love me, and I have parents who support me.

Now... if I could just get cancer... I'd be down the healthy part, but I'd get 50 grand from my critical illness insurance! (thanx Grace Edison) It's actually humorous to me that my life would step UP a couple notches if I got diagnosed with cancer... Not just any cancer mind you. I don't want one of those ones with a low survival rate. Something like a sub 20% mortality rate is something I could deal with. Testicular cancer would be fine, I'd give up at least one nut for 50 grand, Hell! they could take them both and do me a favor, I don't really want anymore kids anyway. I'm just not sure that testicular cancer is covered as a, "critical illness."

Ok, back to the reality that I don't have cancer... at least I don't think that I have cancer. I'm just gunna leave the resumes I have out there, to blow around in the wind, and start bombarding locals again. I've heard the pickings are slim, and I've applied everywhere that has adds, but you never know. I'll find something! and then 2 months down the road when I get layed off again, I'll find something else! and one day the economy will come back and maybe I can make it through a whole 12 months employed, and just maybe that'll be enough to get my bills paid down far enough to get a basement suite... in Rutland... with a roomate... or two.

I'm staying positive! well... maybe not "positive," but at least I'm laughing... at myself. I'll get back to being positive, I just want... a couple days... to hate my life! Is that OK?

It isn't OK. Looking at it from the bright side, the job in Firebag wasn't really "the best" job, it was just "the first" job. I got excited about it, because i'm so sick of spinning my wheels. I was willing, and still am to be honest, to hinch my wagon to the first opportunity to come along. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of waiting for a Rolls Royce job. I need to pay July's rent for my girls, and I'm tapped. I'Il need to get paid before the end of the month, or i'll feel like i'm letting them down. I'm sure my Ex would find a way to make up the difference in the rent, but that's not the point... It's MY JOB to provide for them. I still have my fingers crossed, and I'm going to remain hopeful that a new, and maybe better opportunity, is just around the corner. I feel like I deserve it, and whether or not that counts for anything, I have to believe that my train is coming.

Goin' to Camp.

I got my call! I'll be working for Flynt Energy, in a camp south of Ft. MacMurrey, called "Firebag." I'll be doing 12 hour days, the shift is 10 days in, 4 days out. I start on June 5th. I'm so excited! This is what I've been waiting for, a chance at a fresh start. After a few months I hope to be debt free, and I can start putting some money away. I don't know right now how long this opportunity will last, but at very least its a chance to make some good money in the next little while, and its gets my foot in the door for more camp opportunities.

I'm going to miss my girls. I don't even know if i'm prepared for how much I'm going to miss them, and I'm going to miss a good portion of my summer, but its a sacrifice I knew I'd have to make, when I decided to apply for work out of town. I will never be an absent father, it isn't me, but in the short term, its work, and its great money in a hurry. I'm going to feel so proud when I've eliminated my debt load. It's going to feel so good when I can kiss this part of my life goodbye, thank it for the lessons I've learned, and move onto the next chapter. I have a course layed out now. The I've got some hard road ahead for the next little while, the work is going to be hard, missing my friends and my summer is going to be hard, missing my kids is going to be the hardest, but I beleive there are greener pastures ahead for me. In my imagination, Eden awaits on the other side of this mountain, and I'm ready for one last climb, before a long awaited rest.

I have no delusions that times will never be temultuous again. Life has taught me that struggle and suffering are both unavoidable and necessary, but I'm ready for a short rest. A chance to breathe, to reflect, to dream, and to set a course for my next adventure... I'm getting ahead of myself, I still have a mountain infront of me, that will require sacrifice, respect, and caution if I'm ever going to see Eden. One step at a time...

Cosmic balance.

Last night my vehicle was the victom of a hit-and-run, while parked in the Safeway parking lot downtown. which means i'm out at least a $500 deductable. I'm still layed-off, so that's going to be a fun $500 to try and find. I'm getting tired of my shitty luck. I'm really hoping that all this crap that i've had thrown at me in the last little while is being stockpiled somewhere and when the cosmic balancing faerie comes by and breaks the levy, i'll finally get my good luck all at once.

A lot of people I know and love have had some pretty bad strokes of luck lately, so it makes it hard for me to pity myself. From an objective standpoint, all I can really say is, "yeah, that figures..." But I'm sure that everyone feels a sence of entitlement when it comes to their lives, we all know how hard we work to make our lives the best we can, it would just be nice to see it pay off now and then.

I'm a good person, damn it! I put out a lot of effort, and i'm always trying to make a positive influence on the world around me and the people in my life. Is it OK that I feel just a little bit indignant that all this effort, proactive living, and possitive thinking, is being answered by more shitty luck every couple weeks?

It's gone way beyond self-pity now. I genuinely feel pissed off that I can't seem to catch a break. I feel like shaking my fist at the sky and screaming, "REALLY?!" Do I need to proove that I'm really at rock bottom? Do I need to proove that I can't handle anymore of this shit? I'm here busting my ass everyday to make the best of my bad situation. I'm here doing what I can to find the silver lining. I'm standing here taking one slap in the face after another, and shrugging them off with smiles and tenacity. Do I need to collapse in a heap of broken, whimpering flesh on the ground, before life relents and helps me back to my feet?

I don't want sympathies. I don't need people to give me their energy. The people I love have their own battles, and I'm not going to ask for their hands. I can do this myself. I can spit out the blood and take another. I'm just saying... I wish I didn't have too. I'm just venting this out into the universe as a big "fuck you."

Karma or nievety?

There is an inner battle I've struggled with for basically my whole life. One of my core beliefs is that if you treat people with kindness and respect, and you give as much of yourself as you can, that respect and kindness will be revisited upon you. In basic terms, the bigger you give, the bigger you are. I've always lived my life with these values, but I am often critisized as being neive, taken for granted, or walked over. I've always felt like it makes me a stronger person to be a positive example for those who might take me for granted, but other people are viewing me as a weak person, for allowing myself to be walked over.

What counts for more? If other people see me as weak, they'll just continue to take me for granted, and they'll know that i'll just keep taking it because I beleive it makes me stronger. It's something I struggle with, because I can't fight the person I am, especially because it is a strong point of pride in my being. I don't want to be seen as weak, I want people to see it as strength. I want to be a positive example, I don't want people to be saying "look at how he lets himself get used." It all means nothing if the message isn't recieved.

I beleive that you aren't "taken for granted," until people stop appreciating your giving. I beleive that you aren't being "walked on" until people are asking you to give beyond your capacity to give. So far, I don't feel that this is the case, but over the years a lot of people I love and trust, have critisized me for this "weakness" and told me to "stand up for myself." This is "myself." I am standing up for myself, by living my beliefs, by leading by example. Do I try to change this, and make everything into a tally of how much "give and take" each relationship has? If there is more giving on my part, do I stop, or throttle that giving back, until it's on parity with how much i'm receiving? Do I ask more from my relationships, until I feel like I'm getting an adequite return on investment? Is that strength? Does that inspire respect?

I already know the answer for ME. I guess I just wish other people could see it from my perspective, and that they didn't view it as weakness. I want people to see me for the person I beleive I am, If they see me as weak, then somehow, there is some part of the message that isn't getting through.

Balance.

I want to talk about balance. I think most people can relate to the struggle of trying to reach some kind of a balance in your life, a sweet spot if you will. How much can I give, to be valued, but not taken advantage of? How much time/effort can I allocate to the various areas of my life, so I don't feel overwelmed, but still productive? How many bad habits can I have before it becomes self-destructive? How much focus can I give certain questions or intrests before it becomes obsessive? How much money do I need to make to live a comfortable lifestyle?

The vast majority of the stress in my life comes as a direct result of some imbalance, or feeling of imbalance. I think most people are in the same boat. What I'm finding right now is not that i'm necessarily way out of balance, but that with all the changes in my life there is just so many new "balances" to try and figure out. Superficial balances like, does the annoyance of having facial hair justify the "personal flare" that it offers my image? Time balances like, how much time do I need for myself to feel like I'm making personal progress/satisfaction verses how much time I need to be giving to my children? Diet balances, am I eating enough protein for the amount I'm working out? Why do I keep loosing weight when I'm exerting to much effort to gain it. (lean weight) Giving balances like, Am I spending enough time/effort, looking for work? Am I giving to much/too little in my childcare arrangement with my ex?  Am I going out, driving into town, spending money more liberally than I should considering my finacial state? If I cut down my social life, how will it effect my happiness? Is thinking this much about what I should be doing, taking away from enjoying my life and focusing on the moment? If I don't think about/strive for balance in my life at all, how long before everything just falls to shit?

This is what I think about. They are frustrating questions because, the only true answers come completely from me, and the only way to find them is through trial and error. So I'm left feeling overwelmed by all the "trials" and "errors" in my life right now, in the search for these "balance" answers.

I'm confident they'll all find their resting places sooner or later, but with all these pendulums swinging around in my head, it's making me dizzy, and I'm having difficulty focussing on them one at a time, which makes the task seem all the more daunting.