Serenity.

Four days into my job, four days into this new venture in Peachland. Work is everything I remember it being, monotonous, repetitive, systematic. I turn myself onto auto pilot and I just stand there on my ladder and think... all day. Most of the time, not plumbing related.

I get onto tangents, sometimes they're bad tangents. Something will be stuck in my head all day, something I should have done, something I should have said, something I should say, something that was said to me, whatever it is I'll sit there, and analize it, ALL DAY! I just sit there worrying ALL DAY! On these day I hate work, because it just seems to drag. My "plumbers auto-pilot," will get some glitches and start making mistakes, and getting frustrated because I can't thread a nut onto the end of a bolt, in an awkward position...

Today was NOT one of those days. Today, I switched on the auto pilot, and continuously blew smoke up my own ass all day. No kidding! I just sat there all day thinking about how awesome I am! The sun was shining, the wind was blowing the constant lingering smell of decaying feces, away from the wastewater treatment plant I work in, I had a full day of work ahead of me, and I was blowing some serious smoke up my ass.

I'm not still blowing smoke up my ass. I switch off the auto-pilot when I leave work. As soon as I leave work, reality sets in, and I can't daydream anymore. I will say one thing though, now I feel really peaceful. I feel content. Spring is coming in hard...

Beginnings.

I had my first day back at work today. As successful as one might hope for, they work 9 hour days there, and I'm coming off almost two months without work, so i'm pretty worn out. It's good though, I still feel possitve about the opportunity, I think it'll be a good stepping stone. I'm already looking at the job knowing that it's not a long term solution, but it gives me time to find a long term solution.

I'm living out of suitcases right now at my parents house. I'm really thankful to have them here supporting me through all this. I feel really lame for being almost 30 years old and living with my parents, but i'm not the only person in the same boat, and as long as i'm not STILL here when I hit 30, I think i'm still OK :) I also get a homecooked meal everynight, and enough leftovers for lunch the next day!

I miss home already, even though home really isn't home anymore, it's just a place I used to live, I miss the feeling of "belonging," I felt when I used to come home. I don't get the same feeling walking into my parents house, without my kids to great me at the door. I feel like a guest here, like a transient just looking for a place to stay. Some people would find this excilerating i'm sure, maybe it's the cancer in me that likes to feel like I "belong," somewhere.

Just a lonely crab looking for a new rock to hide under. :)

Step two.

Today is my last day living here. It's hard for me to think about, and even harder for me to put words too. This is just not the way I thought my life was going to go. I've fought pretty hard to go anyway but this way, but it appears my path is set before me. In a way that brings me confidence, because if life is so intent on leading me this way, it must have some greater purpose, and i'm at least a little curious to find out what that "purpose" is. It also concerns me a bit.

It's really amazing how little control we really have over our lives. The realization of your own powerlessness to change or control some things in life can make you feel helpless. I'm not sure why I feel my life would be so much better under MY direction. God knows, I have made a great deal of bad decisions in my day. I just feel like I'm being swept along in a current, unsure of where the river leads and unable to reach the shore. It would just be comforting to know a little bit more about the river is all.

I CAN control my mindset though, that's something that is completely within my control. I can choose to believe the river will slowdown eventually and I'll have the option to swim out. I can choose to believe that my ability to stay afloat and keep my head above water, will be enough to ride out the rapids. I can choose to believe that the shore I arrive on will be better than the one I left.

I'm staying positive, and trying to keep my mind on my present situation, and keeping the dreams about what is ahead of me as bright as I can imagine. It is a wild ride!

The First Step.

It arrived! The first day of spring, the day i've been waiting for. (oddly enough, also very close to the first day of spring in the "real" world.) I got a job! It's not eveything I had wished for, but it came through when I needed it, and that's what matters. I'll be working in Penticton, which also strangely enough gives me that extra kick in the pants that I need to get outta this house, my parents basement is about 30mins. closer to Penticton than here, so that pretty much puts the nail in the coffin.

It's the right thing to do. She's just in a completely other place than I am right now. The air can get thick around here. It's time that I leave. It's much more important to my children that their parents have a good relationship with each other, than it is for their father live with them full time for another couple days, weeks, months, who knows?

It's going to be really hard to tell Bekah.

I'm pretty messed up about it. It's a fight between wanting to do what's right, and wanting to be selfish, and hang onto them a little longer. I know what to do, it just sucks...

I'll see them on the weekends though, and if I get to lonely I can come into town during the week, and get here in time to put them to bed at least.

I'm a boomberang child... Mamma, i'm coming home...

Control.

How do we gain control over our emotions? I mean when they are REALLY strong ones?

I've often thought of myself as a pretty grounded person, I tend to be a logical thinker, and I can usually keep my emotions in check. Lately it just seems that my emotions have just taken the wheel, and they're like a 5 year old child driving a race car. When I can find a calming moment to myself, to meditate, and get myself centered again, I can regain control of the vehicle, but that emotion is on a hair trigger, and it's just getting set off, left and right.

Love, jealousy, and pride, are like deamons scratching at my brain, trying to break down the wall and gain control all the time. Love is the hardest one to fight off, because I want it so badly... but it just hurts me the worst of them all. I get to feeling like i'm mentally exhausted, from trying so hard to give my love and energy, and expecting nothing in return, but its in this weakened state that i'm the most vulnerable. It starts with feeling unappreciated, replaced, forgotten, alone, and as soon as those seeds take root, there is no chance of me fighting off the impending emotional storm.

This was never me. This is so new to me, love, jealousy and pride I mean, they're aliens in my life. I don't have the same capacity to deal with these emotions as I do with some of the other ones that i've had experience with, my whole life. Love was always something that was basically given to me, and it was easy to give away, I often took it for granted, I never thought twice about giving every ounce of it away, because I always knew it would be replenished. Now, I feel like the stockpile is running dry, and I need to stop giving so much of it away, or I'll find myself starving to death.

So how do I gain control and keep it? how do I fight these deamons into submission? I keep telling myself, "space, and time, space and time." I need to get myself alone, and begin the long process of accepting, forgetting, and rebuilding. I need to trust that I'm never going to win this war, so continuing to fight it, is just going to leave me as a casualty. I need to draw a few people inside my boarders, and then seal them off until the famine ends and I feel strong enough to share some love again. I know all this stuff, Its just getting it underway that is the tough part, its moving that first stone into place. Most importantly, its having the courage to raise the white flag, and knowing that i'm doing the right thing.

This war is over, i'm too tired to fight, i'm weak and wounded, and I need time, and space, to heal. Take my sword, and my armor, i'm going home to bed.

Lock up your children, there's a man in the park!

What a sad world we live in. Just because i'm a man at the park with his daughter, it must mean i'm also there to creep on your children.

I took Bekah to the park today, to get some fresh air and enjoy the sunshine. As soon as we get there all the ladies, take one look at me and quickly double check where their children are, get up from the benches where the were formerly chit-chatting with their other other mommy friends and get within arms reach of their children.

Bekah of course was all over the place, making friends, running to the slide, picking up other kid's toys. Once I pryed the toys from her hands, she happily went off to the slide and I handed the toys off to the little girl who they belonged to while her mother kept a close watch.

After Bekah was tired of the slide, we went to the swings and I tried to teach her how to pump her legs and get moving. Another little girl wanted up on the swing next to us and she asks "can you help me up?" I awkwardly ignored her request and then Bekah chimes in and says, "daddy, she wants to use the swing too." So i had to educate my daughter saying " people don't like it when daddy's touch children who aren't theirs hunny, she'll have to get her mommy to help her, i'm afraid." By that time the mother was already booking it accross the playground, to her daughters rescue, so it was no biggy.

It's so sad that because there are perverts out there, the stigma is, we all must be perverts. Its not that I really blame the mothers, they're just protecting their most prized possesions, but its just sad that they feel the need to protect them at all.

Within 30 mins. of Bekah and I being there, the park cleared out, EVERYONE left. It may have all been in my head, but it left me feeling really awkward. Do I really have to be accompanyed by a woman, to make me seem "safe" enough to be at the park with my daughter? Can't my daughter play with your children while I watch from the park bench, without you fearing that I'm going to take them or something?

We left, and I bought Bekah a kite from the dollar store, and we found a big open feild with no other children where we could fly it and enjoy the day. Great day with my daughter, all in all, just sad that I had to be made to feel like a criminal, while I spent some quality time with her.

Experience.

A friend and I recently talked about mind-made barriers to happiness. "I'll be happy when..." It's a hard habit to break, to just learn to be happy without any prerequisites. It really got me thinking about some of my own barriers to happiness, why I put them there? why this particular barrier? how do I bring it down?

My barrier is money, it's always been money. As someone who has never really had much money, i've always felt like i'm missing out. It's not that I feel that money is the key to happiness, its a little more complicated than that for me. Money for me has always symbolized a gateway to experience. Little paper tickets, that let you go on the rides at the fair. It's not that I can't be happy, strolling around the fair, and thinking i'm a good person, and having some good friends, and being healthy, and being able to look at all the people and sights, and smelling all the nice smells. I just see people all around me having fun on the rides, and I want to play too, but I don't have any tickets.

I beleive that the human soul, is basically, "the sum of individual experience." Or maybe better understood by saying, experience is what feeds, and nurishes our souls. The sum of all the things you've learned, you've accomplished, you've senced with your sight, hearing, taste, and touch, all the emotions you've felt, all the obsticles you've overcome. This is the meaning of life to me. Strengthening, and feeding, and protecting, and nurishing that soul, our most precious "self," is priority #1. I beleive that true happiness is a product of a healthy soul.

When I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, when everyday just feels the same, it makes me unhappy. If I don't feel like my soul is getting enough "food", or exercise, it makes me depressed.

My obsession with money, is less about the money, and much more about openning up the flood gates of experience. There are infinate experiences to be had in a finite amount of time, and every moment you spend going through the same motions you always do, is a moment you could have spent strengthening your soul.

When opportunities to nurture my soul are blocked by money, it is incredably frustrating. I'd love to spend my time making music, learning other peoples music, practicing an instrument, and nuturing my soul through music, but I can't afford to buy an instrument. I'd love to backpack to Machu Pichu, and just marvel at the wonder of it, but I can't afford it. I'd love to join a yoga class and a gym, to spend time, focused on being healthy, be disaplined enough to do it regularly, meet new people, but I couldn't afford the membership.

Lately, this has been my thought process, "My soul is wilting, and gettiing weaker day by day, because I can't afford to have new experiences, I can't afford to learn new things, I can't go anywhere and see or do something new and exciting, because I can't afford it. I'm stuck here just spinning my wheels day in and day out, because money is holding me back."

I'm feeling now like, pushing through a period like this, where you might not be able to nurish your soul as much as you might like to, is possible by doing, and recognizing lots of little things that you can do to enrich your life that cost very little or nothing at all, and just be thankful that you can at least do those things.

I can go for a walk, to get outside, get some sunshine, smell the clean air, and get my muscles moving. I can read a book, to learn something new, to exercise my imagination, to hear something explained to may never have made sence before. I can paint or write, to express myself, to create something from nothing. I can love my kids, and spend every moment I can with them, never miss a second, they are fountains of experience, my experience as a parent changes every new day they are alive, as they get older and have experiences of their own that I can share in. While I have no money, and am basically barred from a large amount of potential experience, why bother thinking about it if there is nothing I can do to change it. It would be much better for me to do the small things that I can do to keep my soul strong, then to do nothing.

I can't change the fact that I don't have money. I can't change the fact that my life, without money, isn't really all that attractive, to me, or anyone else. I can't change the fact that some experiences are out of my grasp for now. I don't have to let my soul wither away though, I don't have to focus on the things I can't change, I don't have to miss out on all the opportunities to stay strong, and grow stronger that don't cost anything. I have health and freedom, 5 fully-functioning sences, enough money to survive, (for now ;)) determination, and dreams.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Limbo.

This place of stillness, where nothing moves, where even time seems to slow down. So much time for reflection, and planning. All that seems to exist is a past, and an uncertain future. The present is just time passing, while I wait.

Like an artist, staring at a blank canvas, waiting for inspiration. My paints, lay before me, the brush rests gently between my fingers, the passion burns within me, but the inspiration is late. I stare at the clock on the wall and wonder, what it will be when it arrives, and why it is taking so long? Is there anymore preparation I could do while I wait? No.

All my mind has left to do, is look over a gallery full of old paintings, analize them, critique them. I know exactly what I will do next time to improve upon my technique, the thought excites me. The blank canvas on my eisle stares back at me blankly. The only sound I hear is the soft "ticking" of the hands on the clock, and the dull, and steady thumping of the heart in my chest.

Where is my muse? It should have been here by now!

So strong, my desires to move on from this. Thoughts and memories, circle round inside my head like vultures, I must already appear dead to them. I wonder, how long I can sit in this wasteland, before I die of thirst, and the birds feed on my lifeless flesh?

I have faith that my train is coming, late as it may be, to carry me off to a brand new adventure. For now, all I can do is wait, and watch the clock.

The great wall.

This is something I've always struggled with. If the only person who can truely know your intentions, your beliefs, and the person you are inside, is you. How do you convey those things to other people? Action, right? If you intend to please someone, what do you do? You DO something that shows that person that they are important to you. If you feel that you are a certain person inside, how do you show that to someone? You DO things that back up your claims. If you say you believe something, who do you convince other people that you're commited to those beliefs? you LIVE them.

That part is easy to understand. The hard part is this, what do you do when something stands in the way of your actions? What happens when there is a conflict of interest, between who you want to show to the world, and your beliefs? What happens when circumstances that are out of your control come along, and smash your intentions to bits? If these "hang ups," happen frequently enough, how do you appear to be anything but a sham?

It's going to be hard to explain this without going into specifics and personal examples, but I'm going to try.

Let's suggest that a person grows up a certain way, with certain morale fibers, certain hobbies, certain goals, certain style, certain friends, etc. then a cataclysmic event (not necessarily negative, just something big enough that it is enough to alter that persons perception of reality) alters many of the elements I just listed above. For example, graduating highschool, moving out of the nest, and learning to fend for yourself, moving away, tragedy, getting addicted to drugs, marriage, divorce, children, etc.

Now, the person who existed before the "event" doesn't really die, they just adapt their new environment. We are ever-evolving creatures, and change is really the only constant. Let's suggest, the person genuinely wants to revisit parts of their being they may have left behind, or that simply lay dormant within themselves. The barriers that caused the change in the first place still exist, but you can feel that old "self" still beating on the other side of the wall. The barriers have fortified themselves over the years because people and things have come into your life since, the "event" that never knew you before the "event." They have no recollection or knowledge of that person inside you, beating on the wall. infact, they might not even know there is a wall.

I guess the question I'm posing by all of this is, how do you get back in touch with that person on the otherside of the wall? How do you reconnect with that part of yourself, when the new part of yourself is in a completely different place than where you left the old "self?" How do you get intouch with that person, when the people around you, often the people you lean on for support, don't even believe that old "self" exists?

It's so hard to not use personal examples, so i'll just give one, and try to keep it as much about me as possible.

I grew up a very active kid, played a lot of sports, had a lot of friends, had expensive hobbies that my parents always financed. I got my first job pretty young, still in highschool, and I was one of the first among my friends to have his own car. For years, while I lived at home, or at least still figuratively leeched off my parents, I lived a pretty high pace life. I was always busy, had a tonne of friends, I snowboarded, and golfed, and went to the gym, and I could afford to treat my friends to things, and give them rides all over town, I always had money to do most of the things I loved to do, but never bothered to save a dime. Gradually though, my wants exceeded my finances and I got into the credit trap, bought a new truck, moved to Vancouver, and lived on credit for a couple months while I found a job.

It was in Vancouver that I really began to adopt a "lower key" lifestyle. I was now on my own, and paying my bills, managing my debt, and making sure I have food and a roof over my head, became a much bigger concern. I didn't have mom and dad close at hand to come bail me out of a bind, I couldn't just move back into my parents basement, and I was determined not too. I adopted video games, and movies as cheaper sources of entertainment. I only had one friend in Vancouver when I fist moved there. I left a whole life behind me, and was eager to start a new chapter.

I'd pay back little chunks of mydebt, here and there, and then i'd get layed off work, or have to go to plumbing school and it would just get tacked back on. It was still a pretty small debt back then though. Then, I got my ex pregnant, and all hell broke loose. I was just a second year plumber making like $14/hr and I was going to be a dad! I rushed through school, to try and boost my wage as fast as I could, each time at school tacked another 3-4k onto the debt. I gave up going out for beers with the guys, I gave up snowboarding, and sports, I gave up shopping, I gave up eating fast food all the time. I had to, I was going to be the sole provider for a family of three.

The person that I left behind the wall back then, has been stuck there ever since. I've been here on this side trying to get enough money together to at least pay him a visit now and then. Many of the people in my life now, never knew that person. Some of them don't believe he even exists. I became the guy without any hobbies, the guy who is always broke, the guy who stays home all the time, the guy without functioning friendships, the cheapskate. It's not all negative of course, I also became a man with priorities, dependable, loyal, and I always put my family's happiness and well-being before my own. Admirable traits in their own right, but I lost a peice of myself there. I can hear the echos of that other me, beating away on the wall, I hear it in my dreams. I hear his whispers in my head all day, haunting me, taunting me. No one else hears it. It's just a ghost to them, a figment of my imagination.

To tie it all back together now. How can I reunite myself with that other me on the otherside of the wall, when the wall is still so strong? I summorize the wall as being mostly related to my debt, and my lack of disposable income, but there is more than that. I have a family now, my decisions effect more than just me. I have a strong sence that my actions reflect not only on me, but on my family aswell.The person who I was will never exist again, but the spirit that embodied that person, light hearted, generous, free willed, spontanious, daring, in search of good times and fond memories. That person is still behind the wall, and I want to be reunited with him. I want to feel that wholeness again.

It's just frustrating, feeling like you are split apart from a whole other part of your being, and a lot of people in my life now don't even believe the other side exists. I can't convince them otherwise, until the wall comes down, and by then, it'll be to late for some of them.

Dreams.

I am prone to day dreaming. As odd as it sounds, just thinking about the life I'd love to play the starring role in always puts a smile on my face. I buy lottery tickets, not because I really beleive I might win, but because while I hold that ticket in my wallet, It's a passport to dream land. I can just imagine what my life would be like without financial limits.

I imagine myself, owning a Harley. If I could have one, "man" toy, i'd have a Harley. I just imagine it being very Zen. Not driving around the city of course, but on a long stretch of open road, just me and maybe a buddy or two. I'd have a truck too, one with an extended cab so I could still transport my daughters. I wouldn't care much about gas because, "hey, i'm rich!"

I'd buy a whole new wardrobe, not that my style would change a whole lot, I'd just have like 6 pairs of, "favorite jeans" instead of 1, and all my long sleeved shirts would be in "tall" sizes, so I didn't either look like I was wearing chilrdens clothes, or that I used to need xxl sized and I just lost like 50lbs. All my underwear would be Saxx, and I'd have like 10 pairs of shoes instead of 2. (my new shoes, and my old worn out shoes)

I'd always have cash in my wallet, because I hate using my debit card, even more than I hate having change in my pockets.

I'd have a house, but not to big, certainly not one that you'd expect a millionaire to live in. It would be totally "tricked-out" though. In floor heat, all top of the line gas appliances, granite countertops, indoor hottub and sauna, steam shower, king sized bed, all hardwood floors with tile in the kitchen and bathrooms. I'd have a sweet man-cave in the basement, complete with pool table, pinball machine, fully stocked home bar, and big screen. I'd have a grand piano too, in a room all of its own. I'd also have a more portable electric piano, one I could throw in the back of the truck, and take to jam nights with my buddies.

I'd of course have lots of friends, because I'd have time an energy to dedicate to nurturing more friendships. My girlfriend or new wife, would be gorgeous, and hilarious, always up for fun. Successful, and passionate in her own right. She'd be mentally sound, (as sound as a woman can be ;)) not insecure or jealous, well maybe a little bit jealous, just enough to let me know she loves me and she feels like other girls might love me too. She'd have her own friends, and her own social life, but when we spent time together, i'd know she wouldn't rather be somewhere else. She'd love my daughters, and they'd love her. She'd love me for who I am, and not for my riches, and she wouldn't be trying to turn me into anything, or anyone else.

I don't think i'd hire much help, like no personal driver or chef. I'd probs get a maid service a couple times a week though, 'cause I can be a bit of a slob, and I'm not a fan of cleaning.

I'd definately have a gym pass, and be taking yoga lessons, and maybe a martial art. I'd take all sorts of those courses that you always wonder who has the time and money to take, like horticulture (gardening), and cooking, and creative writing, and music lessons, and painting. I'd have a golf membership, and a seasons pass at the local ski hill.

I'd definately be travelling a lot. I want to see Machu Pichu, I want to tour Greece, I want to tour Ireland, and definately go to Wales to see stone henge. Hit some parties in Amsterdam, and go snowboarding in the Swiss Alps. Visit Japan, and tour Austrailia. Take some good buddies to Vegas, maybe do spring break in new Orleans for Mardi Gras. Take the girls to Disneyland. (or world) There are lots of places I'd love to see.

I'd spend a lot of money on my friends, and family. Not just buying everyone presents and stuff, but helping them out, paying off their debts, paying their medical bills if they good badly ill. Giving my parents (and in-law parents) enough that they could retire. I'd buy an apartment in town and a comuter car, that grandparents could rotate time in and spend time with their grandkids. I'd throw some big parties... in Mexico!  Fly everyone out, and give them enough money to cover the cost of the trip and the money they'd loose in a week wages.

That's just the fun stuff. I'd also make sure I invested appropriately, and had enough money put away for me to live to be 150. Lots of life insurance, trust funds for the girls. Basically, i'd make Grace (my financial advisor, and friend) a rich woman, just from my business alone.

It's nice to dream right?!

Inspired.

Yesterday, I watched an hour long video on youtube called, "how to be happy." (Thanks to Victor) The video is just a buddhist monk giving a speech, or sermon, not really sure what they call it in Buddhism, about what it takes to find happiness. I'd recommend watching it, to anyone really, its very uplifting and inspirational.

To summorize it, one of the key points was, just to slow down and let your sences take in the beauty around you. We move to fast through our days, taking a little second to just pause and appreciate some of the beautiful things around you can really lighten your heart. Another key point was focusing on all the parts that are good about your life. People always tell you this, but it can be really hard to do , especially when the bad things are painful. I've never had it put so elequantly though. He said "If you have breast cancer, and your world is seeming pretty dark, try and think about all the other parts of your body that don't have cancer." Another key point, is not to become addicted to your misery, if you don't try to fix things, and you don't let people in, and you don't take any help, you end up becoming your misery, you have to be able to let it go. And the last key point, is remember to believe that you deserve happiness, you deserve praise, its not about becoming big headed, its about becoming big hearted.

There was just so many good analogies, and stories, and tidbits of information. It was truely inpiring to me. I really needed to see it. Now, I'm no buddhist monk, I can't imagine that its going to be as simple for me to see all this beauty around me as it is for someone who spends their whole lives doing basically nothing BUT that. I did however take it to heart. I think something I really need to keep front and center in my mind is that even though being layed off is stressful, I haven't had time off work in 8 months, (the last time I was layed off) staying home with the kids day in and day out is tough, but I haven't been able to do this like...ever. I get to see them so much more than I ever have before. normally I get a couple hours with them after work and then they go to bed. I've spent all day, everyday with them for the last 4 weeks, I feel like I know my girls much better then I did before all this. I know their habits, their routines, I know when, and how much, and why, and what to do, and all the things I never knew before. My ex used to get so frustrated with me, because I didn't know their routines, I would forget parts of their bedtime routines, or their morning routines. I was always asking her questions, many of which I had asked before and simply forgotten. I wouldn't know how to soothe them when they were upset, or what the subtletys in Lylas babbling were conveying. I know all this now, and I feel pretty good about it. I have time to read, and blog, I have energy to want to go for a walk everyday. I work out everyday, because I'm not dog tired after a long day at work. I've quit smoking because i'm not around a group of plumbers who smoke like chimneys. There have been good things to come out of being layed off that I was missing before, because I wasn't looking for them. I'm not saying that i'm content to just sit here and let my money run out, i'm just saying that its not ALL bad.

I have an opportunity here, a chance for a fresh start. I can't leave everything about my old life behind, I have kids afterall, but that is the best part! I don't have to leave the good parts behind. I can just leave the bad parts behind. To borrow an analogy from the buddhist sermon, My life is in a winter state right now, it seems pretty dead and lifeless, but underneith the soil and just benieth the tree bark is a whole world of life, and energy, and new beginnings, just waiting for spring to arrive. It is just the cyclical nature of life, winter comes and goes. I just have to wait out the snow.

Vulnerability.

This blog was never intended to be, "Dustin's-bitch-about-his-ex-wife-fest." I've gone back over some of my blogs and edited out some of the more specific content. I try to keep these blogs objective, and more of a broad spectrum of thought rather than specifics. It's online afterall, and its really not fair of me expose details of the personal life, I share, and shared, with another person, without their consent, or approval. I'm not to try and justify my actions, i'm just trying to explain that most of the time that I get inspired to write, its because i'm flooded with emotions and thoughts, to the point that I feel like if I don't talk to someone or write them down, they might consume me.

Ironically, I might have to break the rules again a bit with this post, but I should be able to at least remain objective with my details.

My Ex is a good person, she's a great mom, and a fantastic friend. All the qualties she had when I fell in love with her in the first place, she still has. I still love her very much, but she doesn't love me. While I can respect that, it doesn't make it any easier to get over it. It's an addiction, love. I've had some troubles quitting my other addictions, but nothing compares to this. When she says, and does hurtful things to me, it effects me way more than it normally would.

It's really hard for me to be here, one could say it is similar to trying to quit heroin, when you have a pound of it sitting on the coffee table under a plexiglass case that is locked down. You know you couldn't have it, even if you tried, but everytime you look at it, it reminds you of how much you miss it, it reminds you of all the warm feelings you used to have when you did it, and how crappy you feel without it. So, why do I stay? I repeat this to myself everyday, on a feedback loop. I stay because I don't feel like things would get better, living in my parent's basement. At least I have my kids here all the time to distract me. I have my weight set. I'm in Kelowna, and closer to my friends and support. All my resumes have this phone number and address on them. I pay the rent here, or at least most of it, and if I didn't live here, i'm afraid i'd put my ex and the girls through unnecessary stress of having to find a new place.

I really feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to get out of here. I'm drowning here, i'm just waiting for one of my resumes to come through and throw me a fucking rope.

Put on a happy face.

It is brought to my attention almost daily that I'm a major bummer. I just am not really sure how I should be acting.

If I was super uplifting, and inspirational, and just a special little ray of sunshine right now, wouldn't everyone be able to see through that? or at least suspect that I was on perscription drugs? If I was HAPPY about what's going on in my life right now, wouldn't people start thinking I had a winning lottery ticket I was just sitting on? or that I have been fucking a rich, super model, with a sweet personality for the last two years, and finally my ex-wife has done the dirty work for me? No, I'm not thrilled about my current position in life, but I'm not suicidal, I'm not drinking heavily, or getting into hard drugs. I'm not picking up girls with low self-esteem off internet dating sites and fucking them. I'm working my ass off to make my situation better. I'm handling my shit. I'm taking care of my kids.

I get dressed, and maintain myself everyday. I make an effort to get out of the house, at least once a day. I go out with friends every chance I get. I make plans, I see them through. I maintain a good sence of humour. I still maintain a healthy lifestyle. I've quit drinking pop, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, all SINCE being seperated from my wife, and loosing my job. I work out almost everyday. I write poetry, and blogs. I read, and I spend just about every waking hour with my beautiful girls. I've made efforts to meet new people. I eat healthier than I have in... forever. I think i'm doing pretty fucking well, and it's just a shot in the nuts everytime I have to hear about how much of a bummer I am to be around. I'm fucking trying!

I feel anxious, worried, tired, and bored, but of course I do. I spend all day taking care of two little girls, often by myself, and during my spare time, I'm looking for work, because I'm worried about paying bills and fullfilling my duties to my kids. I'm bored because after I've spent the 2-3 hours of my day doing things I like that don't cost anything, I'm still left with like 14 hours of awake time, to try and fill up with something other than spending money, or worrying about what I'm going to do if I don't find work within the next couple weeks.

I talk, and write about my fears, and my anxieties because they are on my mind a lot, and talking, or writing about them, helps me sort my feelings into cohesive thoughts. Writing about it, gets it out of my head, because it is much more destructive in my head, then it is in text. It also reminds me that I have a group of very supportive friends and family, who love me, and want to see these hard time pass.

This is the healthiest way I know how to deal with my problems. I'm not bottling them up, I'm not supressing them with drugs and sex, I'm not running from them, and hiding out in my dark basement crying about it. I'm talking about it. I'm wearing my emotions on my face. I'm expressing my feelings in the healthiest ways I can. I'm not the first person to be sad about loosing their job. I'm not the first person who had a wife who decided after a few years together that this just wasn't for her. No, I'm not the first person to go through some rough times, but I think i'm handling it like a fucking champ.

Thank you to my friends and family who are supporting me, and keeping me in their thoughts. You are all incredably valuable to me, and I count myself among the luckiest in the world when it comes to my friends and family. I love you.

Powerlessness.

The most frustrating thing about life, is having to endure the things you are powerless to change. In conjunction with that, wondering if, or feeling like, maybe there is something you could do, or could have done, to make things better.

Changing the opinions of others, for example. Most of the time I am perfectly content to live and let live. I couldn't care less what other peoples opinions are. There are times however, that other peoples opinions really do matter. If a person has any sway, power or effect on your life, their opinion can generally make your life better, or worse, depending on the opinion they hold. Your boss for example, or your wife/girlfriend, your parents, basically anyone in a position of authority over you, or someone you share authority with. If they don't like you, or think you are lazy or incompetant, basically if they don't beleive that you are as valuable to them as you think you are, it can be incredably frustrating, and more often then not, you are powerless to change that opinion. You can either learn to live with it, or you can remove yourself from the person in question. The trouble with learning to live with it is, over time the insults and criticisms worm their way into your brain, and can plant seeds of self-doubt, you can find yourself, slowly adopting their opinion of yourself, in fact, you might even change the way you would normally do things, in order to fill the role they beleive that you are. For example, if a boss doesn't value the quality and efficiency of your work, the most common response is to put less effort in. You may have tried putting MORE effort in in the beginning, but when your best still fell short of their standards, you just throw up your hands, and fall back into place, doing just enough to keep your job.

Powerlessness to change situations in your life is another thing that can be incredably frustrating. In my case, being layed off work, and not being able to find new work. These things are completely based on things that are out of my control. When work slows down or there is a shortage, businesses lay their people off. When work is short, it is also difficult to find more work, especially when the market is flooded with other people looking for work aswell. You can put out resumes, and make call backs, and search online, and broaden your horizens, and lower your standards, but in the long run, if none of these are effective, you're just shit out of luck. I spend all day, wondering if I'm doing everything I can. I have littered western canada with my resumes, I have looked online and applied to every company that says they are hiring, and many who aren't. In the end i just have to assume there is nothing more I can do, so I just sit here next to the phone twiddling my thumbs, and writing blogs.

Could I have prepared better for this? Maybe, but its not as though I made a conscious effort, not to save for tough times, I just haven't had a long enough "good spell" to save money and pay down debt.

Bottom line, today I feel powerless. Motivated, and still hopeful, but powerless.

Altered States

I hate being single. It's not that I don't think the prospect of new beginnings is exciting, or that I don't feel like I'm going to find another relationship of value, or that I'm going to be single forever, or even that I need someone else in my life to feel whole or fullfilled. I just hate how much you have to change about your life, when you go from attached to single.

Most of my friends are in commited relationships, so going anywhere socially, where one might meet other single people just isn't on their priority list. When they get a free night, they want to hang out with their boys! They get enough female energy from their partners everyday, and their partners don't want them hanging around with other single girls. As the single guy, you'd prefer more of a mixed venue, where you might be able to chat up some single women, but your buddies want to go fishing with the boys. Now I love a good guys night, I love fishing with the boys, but am I going to meet someone that way? So, then I have to consider, maybe I should meet other single guys, so we can do single guy things together. Then you're really strapped for time and social energy, because not only are you trying to make guy friends, and going through the motions of developing a friendship with them, but you're also keeping an eye open for available women.

It takes a considerable amount of energy and effort to get out and meet a tonne of new people, hoping to find one that clicks. The failure rate is of course MUCH higher than the success rate, and the more you fail the more you can feel your standards slipping. When you're looking for someone to pair up with, "second best" just doesn't cut it, you really have to know what you want and not settle for less, after all, who wants to be back in the same place again after another 5 years?

A whole new wardrobe, keeping on top of haircuts and personal grooming, acting lessons so you can pretend you're more confident that you really are, a gym membership, money for social activities, these are all things you let slide, to varying degrees when you're in a long term relationship. You just don't have as much time and money to do them, when you're busy trying to make sure your house isn't falling apart, changing cat litter, dropping your partner off at the various social engagements, hanging out with your partners' friends/family, spending quality time with your partner, making a little time for yourself.

Then there is of course the venues, the meat markets. Where am I going to meet someone I find attractive enough to talk to, and feel there is a good chance, that upon talking to them they don't completely bore me or turn me off. I also have to feel comfortable being in the venue and it has to fullfill the requirements of being able to actually talk to them. Clubs/pubs, online, coffee shops, grocery stores, the gym, yoga, or some other "self-bettering" class, all have varying degrees of potential, but also come with varying degrees of restriction aswell.


It's just a lot of crap to go through, and so much of it has to be superficial, because we all know that being witty and smart, or sweet and romantic, or compassionate and driven, rarely convinces anyone to say, "hello."

I personally, just go commando in sweat/yoga pants, I find that gets a lot of women to say, "hello."

You know that other single people, especially other single people who have been in failed relationships, are going to be as picky as you are. You're worried about lowering your expectations and standards, because you don't want a repeat of your last relationship... It just makes a person wonder if it's worth it at all. It certainly makes you understand why its important to do all you can to keep the relationships you're in healthy. It also should be noted that as old and jaded and stale as you may feel your realationship is, and as exciting as the single life may seem, the grass is NOT greener, it just looks that way. We're all munching on dry, dead, brown, grass. Everyone is either upset that their relationship isn't what they hoped for, or upset that they can't meet anyone they could stand to be in a relationship with. The ONLY people eating green grass, are the people whose relationships are still new, or who haven't grown tired of "the same old, same old."

It all really makes a person feel like if "green grass" is really what you want, then you need to change your expectations. You have to make that dry, dead, brown, grass taste delicious. Throw some ranch on it, a couple diced tomatoes, maybe some avacado... because dry grass, is better than no grass.

High points.

I have 4 acolytes! I feel so honoured that 4 people feel that my life is interesting enough that they'd consider reading about it everyday.

Looking over my first two blogs, I noticed that the overwelming theme is pretty negative. I just want to clear the air a little bit, I'm really not a negative person, some people think so, but i'm really not. I tend to reach out to friends and family more when I'm feeling shitty about my life. When I need support, I seek it out. I think that often comes accross as being a negative person, since that is the side of me, my friends and family would hear from most often.

I consider myself a realist. I think it is very valid and normal to feel crappy about things when you loose your job, your marriage falls apart, you feel like your life is spiraling out of your control, and you feel like you've lost direction in your life. I also think its important to do everything in our power to not allow these things to take control of yourself, I don't think wallowing in your misery is healthy, or helpful. I beleive that a strong soul, forged from lifes trails and tribulations, is a far more attractive, and valuable trait than having everything handed to you on a silver platter. It is far better to have friends, and potential partners, who you know love you for who you are, and not what you have. I don't believe that "strength" means, "suffering in silence", or "sucking it up," real strength comes from perserverance. I really like to use this analogy, "who is the tougher man, he who can throw the hardest punch, or he who can take it, and stay standing for another?" Being a rock, or an island can appear very strong, but the irony is, it takes strength, to show weakness.

The point I'm trying to make here is, I love myself. I know that I have a lot inner strength. I know that I am a good man, with a lot going for me. I have a great family, great kids, great friends, a good sense of humour, i'm skilled and talented, and I have an adequitely sized penis :) My sadness is really a direct result of wounded pride I think. I beleive I should be, and appear to be, successful, happy, strong, and confident. I feel like I deserve it, I feel like I work hard for it, and my efforts should be rewarded. I don't feel like life has adequitely rewarded me for my efforts. I don't feel like my meat suit adequitely reflects the person I believe that I am inside. I find it increadably frustrating that my ex-wife can't see how amazing I am, and how hard I am going to be to replace. I find it increadably frustrating that my ex-employers layed-off one of their best workers, and kept their brown-noser buddys who talk shit about them behind their backs.

If that is not pride, I don't know what is.

P.S. in case you didn't realize... "adequitely," is the word of the day.

Trees for today.

Today I'm feeling anxious. Partly because its day 2 of quitting smoking. Partly because I'm still worried about my job prospects. Party because the clear vision of "my ideal future," I try to keep front and center in my mind isn't really as clear as I'd like it to be.

The aura around me is tumultuous, the air I breathe feels like smoke in my lungs, and the very ground I walk on heaves and sways, seeming intent on throwing me off my course. It gives me pause, to consider if this is an obsticle to be overcome, and to be strengthened by once I reach it's end? Or is it a sign from the very earth itself that I am on the wrong path? The answer escapes me.

I know one thing, the love I have for my daughters, and the desire I have for personal fullfillment gives me the strength to keep going, as long as I place them infront of my eyes, like a figurative carrot on a stick, the thought of giving up stops being an option. They need me, I need me, nothing else matters. As weak as I feel, as hard it is to climb out of bed, as hard it is to look into the mirror and see a meat suit that doesn't reflect the same person I feel I am inside. They are all secondary to the carrot in my face.

Going to change it up a bit here and talk about my meat suit, and the "me" that drives it.

I struggle a lot with worry, in regards to personal finances. It always has me torn. On the one hand, I am a firm beleiver that money doesn't make a man.  On the other hand, living with zero disposable income, is making me  miserable, it was making me feel like I was working with no reward, and now that i'm not even working, its just making me feel like a huge festering pile of shit. I don't even like money, I don't want a lot of money. I dream, like i'm sure everyone else does, of a life where work was optional, and my time was my own, money is really the only realistic way there of course, but i'm not even talking about that. I am talking about the simple things. I'm a simple kinda man, I just wanna be someone I love and understand...

I want enough to have my phone ring and hear my friends on the other end, not some collection agency, looking for money I don't have. I want to have enough that I feel like I can spend some money on a new pair of work boots, and still put food on the table that month. I want to feel like I could bring a friend who is low on money, out to wing night, and pick up his tab. Hell, I want to feel like I can afford wing night for myself. I want to feel like I'm putting money away for the future. I want to feel like one day I might be able to afford a house. I want to feel like I can afford to be laid off for a few months out of the year while work is slow and hard to find, without putting myself into debt. I want to have enough money to say "YES" more, and not have to say "I can't afford it." I want to have enough money to convey to the world, the person that I am, on the inside. This is where I've placed the dot on my map. This is my goal. The goal I referred to earlier, that was growing harder and harder to see. I goal that I've temporarily replaced with the carrot, and basic survival instincts.

I'm left wondering why. Why does such a simple goal seem so far out of reach? Why do I see a myriad of success around me, and yet it completely escapes me? What is with my shitty luck? Why can I not catch a break? Is it right for me to feel so indignant about my circumstances, when I know there are people in worse shape than me? Is it something that i've done that has lead me here? or am I right in feeling like these events have been mostly out of my control? If my current circumstances are a direct result of my own mistakes, I need to know what those mistakes were, if I am to learn from them, and correct them in the future.

I'd hate to think that this is a lesson, in a subject that i'm just failing misserably at, and I didn't even realize that I was in school. I certainly did not sign up for this course. "How to spend a year at rock bottom 101" who would volunteer for that crap! Now i'm moving onto year two, and I can't possibley imagine how I passed year one with a high enough grade to get into year two. How do I drop out? can I enroll in "Easy living 101" Is that class full? who's dick do I have to suck to get to the front of THAT line, I'm not a proud man, certainly not after passing year one of "Rock bottom." Just point me to the dick...

I just keep hoping that these trials are all in place to make the driver inside my meat suit stronger. Having a strong driver, is more valuable than any worldly object the meat suit could hope to obtain, but there are times when I feel like these trails are actually wearing the driver down, not making me stronger. My driver is tired, my meat suit is worn out. I'd happily come back and finish this part of the journey at a later date, if I could just get a breif period of respite to recover some of my strength.

My First Blog

I'm not sure why I feel like I want to keep a journal that the world can log into and read. Maybe its because I feel like I have something to say, maybe it has more with my desire to share myself with the people I care about. Maybe it has more to do with my legacy, do people know me? do they understand me? does it matter? What happens to my thoughts and ideas, my beliefs, my story, if I passed away tomorrow? would I feel like the people at my funeral had a good grasp on who I was at my core, or do they just have faded snapshots in time, of who I was when I knew them, or who they thought I was. Maybe keeping a current and up to date documentation of my ideas, thoughts and feelings will help me feel like I'm able to keep better in touch with the people who care enough to read it.

I think I should give props to Grace for being a ground breaker in this "blogging" for me. I don't really know anyone else who has a blog, most people are far more private about their thoughts and feelings to post it for the world to see, but I think in that sence Grace and I might share that in common.

I don't know where to start, with a background summery, or just start fresh with an entry about today, and move forward from there. I guess a short rundown of my recent history is probabley necessary for some of the elements of todays story to make sence.

I, Dustin Vaughan, am the proud father of two beautiful little girls. Rebekah and Lyla. They are the two constant, and unwavering lights in my life, and I've come to realize that even though they are so young, I need them, I need them as much as they need me. Especially during this dark period of my life, I need every ounce of love that I can leech, and those girls are unending sources of it.

Dark period of my life? yeah, I'm going to try to circumnavigate (good word!) the details of this a bit just out of respect for the people involed and effected by it. This is a blog about MY life and MY feelings, so i'll try to keep it on that focus. My marrige is over, the woman I thought was going to be with me for the long haul... does not want to be with me for the long haul. We currently still live together, it is a point of shame for me, and it probabley causes more harm than good, but it is financially necessary, it still has the feeling of "home", and I just want to be close to my girls. I lost my job three weeks ago, I was working on the new KGH expension, but work on that project has slowed down, and I was let go. Very bad timing, not that there is really ever great timing to be laid off, but it wouldn't have been so bad, if the economy was in full swing, and maybe if I would have had some emergency money kicking around for a time like this.

I've been trying to get out of town and into a camp style work environment, northern BC, northern alberta, yukon, NTW, nunavet (sp?) they all are littered with my resumes... no calls. I just feel like maybe its a chance to kill a few birds with one stone. I have a buttload of debt, that gets nowhere working my regular hours here in town. I have no savings. I live in a bad situation. My kids are still young enough to hopefully not notice that their dad is gone for a few months. I just figured it might be ideal for me to get out of town and make some REAL money for a few months, and then be able to come back in the fall and start rebuilding a life for myself, and my girls. Fate just isn't seeing eye to eye with me on this one. I've been applying locally lately because the most important thing is that I keep food on the table and a roof over the heads of those sweet, little girls.

This is the forest. There are many trees, but I can't show them all to you because it's 2:30am, and I'm tired. Maybe I'll take a little more time to examine a few of the trees, tomorrow.