I finished up strong at Endako on the 27th of February. Since then, I've been home, spending time with my girls and catching up on many things that were sidelined or I always meant to do but never could afford. I've burnt through A LOT of money, but i'm not really worried, its catch up time. Time to enjoy a few fruits of my labour.
Since arriving home, I've been seeing a traditional chinese acupuncturist, who has totally helped me heal a broken body and mind. I've quit smoking both cigarettes and pot. I've joined a gym, and try to go everyday. I'm making some positive steps, and have many more left on the list, before I head back out of town. The best part is all the time I've had to spend with my girls.
I've been staying at Cassandra's place in Kelowna for the most part. I still take the girls to my parents place when she wants the house to herself. It's been great because I get to see the kids everyday, but I still get to have a life because we split up the nights. The downside is, I'm basically just playing house again... I always just fanasized that my life would be, husband, wife and kids living happily under one roof. The last 3 weeks or so have just kinda blurred the lines between reality and fantasy. I can't help but fall back into it, because I want it so badly, but it isn't reality. I don't belong here, this is Cassandra's space now, it isn't my home, i'm just the transient who sleeps on the couch. SO... I've found a cheap 1bdrm place in Glenmore that will serve as my new home base. It's gunna be tight. I'm making up the bedroom for the girls, with 2 single beds and their toys. I'll sleep in the livingroom on a pullout couch until I can afford to buy a place, probabley sometime next year. I move in on April 1st, and then I can get back to reality.
It's daunting to think that almost a month has passed since I was layed off, and I feel like I have so much more to do. My love life is a tricky animal right now, because I find myself missing the comforts and companionship of the fairer sex, but cannot even fathom the possibility of a real relationship yet. It certainly wouldn't be fair or smart to enter into a relationship knowing that im heading back out of town in 2 months. One thing, that has been positive, is being back in town has done wonders for the self-confidence.
My Evolution continues. Right now it feels a little more rapid than in usually does. Like a passenger, staring out the window at the rapidly changing landscape of my life, i'm trying desperately to soak it all in before I hit traffic and have to slow down again, when I head back out of town. One day, i'll be able to stay longer, and I can set up more perminant roots. For now, I'm just passing through.
Thursday, 22 March 2012
Friday, 17 February 2012
The end is near.
The last 9 months have come down to this. The Endako mine project is coming to an end. The end of February marks the end of UA170 involvement in the project, im sure there will be testing and changes made externally over the next little while, but our job is done. It's been a great project, like most projects there were many times when we questioned the aptitude of our leadership, but we reached the finish line nevertheless. For me, its been a life changer, an experience I will never forget. June 7th, 2011-Feb 29th, 2012... Im tired, I haven't had a single day where i've had more than 7 hours sleep, since the beginning of June. Its catching up to me. I'm just so thankful for the opportunity I had here. Its been a door openner and a door closer, and i've never been ungreatful for any of it.
I have a short interval coming up, where I'll be spending some time at home, layed-off, and trying to enjoy getting reaquainted with my life. I'm torn as to the next steps I should take as far as my living situation is concerned. My parents have been very gracious hosts for the last 9 months, and a huge help with the girls. I just feel like i've overstayed my welcome here. Not only do I feel pathetic for being almost 30 and living with my parents, but my parents already were parents, and me bringing the girls here for a week every month, and them having the girls almost every weekend from my Ex, has worn them out. My mom could probabley be a full time grandma, until she litterally collapsed from exhaustion, but my dad is starting to want his life back, which is totally understandable. Young kids are a very pleasant experience, but not one that anyone should have to endure a second time at almost 60 years old. While I'm here I take full reigns over them, but its still my parents house they're colouring on, peeing on, screaming in, and disassembling. I've thought about getting my own place, which I could probs afford now, but it would be tight, and it would only lengthen the amount of time it'll take me to save up a downpayment for my own place. I've thought about getting a roomate, but how do you tell a roomate, "I'm hardly ever going to be here, but when I am, my kids are going to fuck your shit right up." I'm only going to be in town for 3-4 months tops, then I'm planning to ship out to Saskachewan to start saving that downpayment. Its just that right now I'm stuck in limbo, living out of my car and sleeping in spare bedrooms and couches. It sucks. It's not the biggest obsticale i've ever encountered, there are many options for overcoming it, they just all suck! "hmmm, would I rather eat shit, vomit, or bloody puss?"
I kinda wish I could just basement troll at the house in Kelowna, but Cassandra requires her privacy and "kid-free" time far to much for that, and she's planning on moving into a smaller pad, which is a good plan, 'cause they don't need all the space, and I'm paying for it. I'm also still just fucked up enough about our situation still that, witnessing her social behaviour (and her witnessing mine), day in and day out could very well send my off my wheels. We have a pretty good thing going on, and I've come a long way inside this thick skull of mine, I'd hate to ruin a lot of hard work by bringing emotions back into the mix.
Problems never really seem to vacate our lives, you just find new and creative ways to deal with them. No matter what I decide to do in the next few months, there's gunna be good and bad that comes with it. It still makes me laugh in comparrison to what i've recently come through, and I'm sure that no matter what i decide, isn't likely to change my life to much looking longterm. Its on my mind, and does require resolution, im just waiting to full assess all the options.
I have a short interval coming up, where I'll be spending some time at home, layed-off, and trying to enjoy getting reaquainted with my life. I'm torn as to the next steps I should take as far as my living situation is concerned. My parents have been very gracious hosts for the last 9 months, and a huge help with the girls. I just feel like i've overstayed my welcome here. Not only do I feel pathetic for being almost 30 and living with my parents, but my parents already were parents, and me bringing the girls here for a week every month, and them having the girls almost every weekend from my Ex, has worn them out. My mom could probabley be a full time grandma, until she litterally collapsed from exhaustion, but my dad is starting to want his life back, which is totally understandable. Young kids are a very pleasant experience, but not one that anyone should have to endure a second time at almost 60 years old. While I'm here I take full reigns over them, but its still my parents house they're colouring on, peeing on, screaming in, and disassembling. I've thought about getting my own place, which I could probs afford now, but it would be tight, and it would only lengthen the amount of time it'll take me to save up a downpayment for my own place. I've thought about getting a roomate, but how do you tell a roomate, "I'm hardly ever going to be here, but when I am, my kids are going to fuck your shit right up." I'm only going to be in town for 3-4 months tops, then I'm planning to ship out to Saskachewan to start saving that downpayment. Its just that right now I'm stuck in limbo, living out of my car and sleeping in spare bedrooms and couches. It sucks. It's not the biggest obsticale i've ever encountered, there are many options for overcoming it, they just all suck! "hmmm, would I rather eat shit, vomit, or bloody puss?"
I kinda wish I could just basement troll at the house in Kelowna, but Cassandra requires her privacy and "kid-free" time far to much for that, and she's planning on moving into a smaller pad, which is a good plan, 'cause they don't need all the space, and I'm paying for it. I'm also still just fucked up enough about our situation still that, witnessing her social behaviour (and her witnessing mine), day in and day out could very well send my off my wheels. We have a pretty good thing going on, and I've come a long way inside this thick skull of mine, I'd hate to ruin a lot of hard work by bringing emotions back into the mix.
Problems never really seem to vacate our lives, you just find new and creative ways to deal with them. No matter what I decide to do in the next few months, there's gunna be good and bad that comes with it. It still makes me laugh in comparrison to what i've recently come through, and I'm sure that no matter what i decide, isn't likely to change my life to much looking longterm. Its on my mind, and does require resolution, im just waiting to full assess all the options.
Friday, 20 January 2012
My oyster
If you'd have asked me one year ago if i'd feel like I do today, only one year later, i'd have dismissed your positive sentiment as "good luck" wishes. Jan 16th marked 1 year of seperation between my Ex and I. A year ago i felt like things couldn't get any worse, they did get worse for a short time afterward, but since the beginning of June I've fought my way back into a smile.
What changed? Well, money is the first conclusion I jump to, because that was probs the biggest "change." However, I've never beleived money was a direct route to happiness, nor is having lots of it guarentee that happiness will endure. Don't get me wrong, i'd hardly say I have "money" even now, what I don't have is a monumental debt. What I have is room to breathe. Living life afraid of the next phone bill, afraid of incoming lay-offs, afraid that you're failing as the sole provider for your family, is a tremendous burden to bear. It left me feeling exhausted, weak, powerless, insecure. I'm not afraid anymore. I don't ever expect to be a millionare, nor am I sure that i'd want to be, but having that weight lifted off my shoulders has let me stand up straight, and look forward instead of downward.
My confidence has grown due to the relaxation of my fears, a relaxation of the expectations and obligations that I put on myself, and the ones others put on me, and positive reinforcement from people who care about me.
It's been awhile since my last blog. Since the last blog, I'm debt free! I got to do Christmas right this year. It was the first christmas in years that I didn't feel stressed out. It was busy, and It went by way to fast. I spent it with my girls, my family, and good friends.
At work, most of the guys were layed-off just before christmas, with just a few of us being asked to stay on to finish off in the new year. The herd will likely be thinned again by the end of February, and to be honest, I hope i'm on that list. It was an honor to be asked to stay, and the extra couple months worth of work, will make a vast difference in the types of things I can do over the next few months. It'll be nice to start thinking about retirement savings, spend a little money on myself, and spend some time with my girls, without the stressful burden of having to find work ASAP. Going forward, I've made some great contacts, and managed to make a posititve name for myself within the plumbing/pipefitting union. Theres rumblings of upcoming work all over the province, even though I haven't seen anything to promising until the summer time at the very earliest. I'm going to look into a job doing a potash mine near Saskatoon, the contractor I'm working for right now is doing that job next, its sounds like theres good money to be made there, theres some good friends of mine planning on checking that job out, and they fly you in and out so, even though its 2 provinces away, i won't miss anymore time with my girls.
I am haunted by a blog I wrote when I first came up here saying that this wouldn't be a long term gig, me working out of town. I still don't want to work like this forever, but the girls seem to have adjusted to it pretty well, and I still feel like I have an opportunity while they're still young to build a bit of a foundation. Getting out of my parents house and buying a place of my own, writing my steamfitting ticket, so I can do this kind of work in the future, anywhere, even when people don't know my name. Getting a bit more financially set up so I don't fear the future as much. Also, while the girls are young and with my Ex not working, I can't really afford to not work, there is no way I could afford the kind of money i've been forking out lately if I worked in town.
I've come a long way in the last year, I feel good about where I am and where i'm headed. I'm empowered by the feeling inside myself that i'm doing the right things, that i'm making good decisions. People around me are supportive and encouraging. I still have work to be done, but that keeps me busy, making plans and knocking them off. Everytime I follow through with a plan i've made it just gives me more confidence to make bigger plans :)
What changed? Well, money is the first conclusion I jump to, because that was probs the biggest "change." However, I've never beleived money was a direct route to happiness, nor is having lots of it guarentee that happiness will endure. Don't get me wrong, i'd hardly say I have "money" even now, what I don't have is a monumental debt. What I have is room to breathe. Living life afraid of the next phone bill, afraid of incoming lay-offs, afraid that you're failing as the sole provider for your family, is a tremendous burden to bear. It left me feeling exhausted, weak, powerless, insecure. I'm not afraid anymore. I don't ever expect to be a millionare, nor am I sure that i'd want to be, but having that weight lifted off my shoulders has let me stand up straight, and look forward instead of downward.
My confidence has grown due to the relaxation of my fears, a relaxation of the expectations and obligations that I put on myself, and the ones others put on me, and positive reinforcement from people who care about me.
It's been awhile since my last blog. Since the last blog, I'm debt free! I got to do Christmas right this year. It was the first christmas in years that I didn't feel stressed out. It was busy, and It went by way to fast. I spent it with my girls, my family, and good friends.
At work, most of the guys were layed-off just before christmas, with just a few of us being asked to stay on to finish off in the new year. The herd will likely be thinned again by the end of February, and to be honest, I hope i'm on that list. It was an honor to be asked to stay, and the extra couple months worth of work, will make a vast difference in the types of things I can do over the next few months. It'll be nice to start thinking about retirement savings, spend a little money on myself, and spend some time with my girls, without the stressful burden of having to find work ASAP. Going forward, I've made some great contacts, and managed to make a posititve name for myself within the plumbing/pipefitting union. Theres rumblings of upcoming work all over the province, even though I haven't seen anything to promising until the summer time at the very earliest. I'm going to look into a job doing a potash mine near Saskatoon, the contractor I'm working for right now is doing that job next, its sounds like theres good money to be made there, theres some good friends of mine planning on checking that job out, and they fly you in and out so, even though its 2 provinces away, i won't miss anymore time with my girls.
I am haunted by a blog I wrote when I first came up here saying that this wouldn't be a long term gig, me working out of town. I still don't want to work like this forever, but the girls seem to have adjusted to it pretty well, and I still feel like I have an opportunity while they're still young to build a bit of a foundation. Getting out of my parents house and buying a place of my own, writing my steamfitting ticket, so I can do this kind of work in the future, anywhere, even when people don't know my name. Getting a bit more financially set up so I don't fear the future as much. Also, while the girls are young and with my Ex not working, I can't really afford to not work, there is no way I could afford the kind of money i've been forking out lately if I worked in town.
I've come a long way in the last year, I feel good about where I am and where i'm headed. I'm empowered by the feeling inside myself that i'm doing the right things, that i'm making good decisions. People around me are supportive and encouraging. I still have work to be done, but that keeps me busy, making plans and knocking them off. Everytime I follow through with a plan i've made it just gives me more confidence to make bigger plans :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)