Update.

Well, i'm 4 months in. I haven't blogged in awhile. I was offered LoA (they give us 115/day to fend for ourselves) back at the beginning of July, and the place I'm staying in doesn't have working internet.

The Endako roadhouse, is my humble abode. Nine, dated, hotel rooms above a pub in a "hamlet" of about 150 people. The whopping metropolous of Fraser Lake (about 1500 people, 700 of them natives) is about 10 mins away, so thank god for that! The weather up there is rediculous, I scrapped frost off my window on August 16th, it rained every single day in July, and we got about 1 week of summer in September.

People love me though, they guys I work with all like working with me. My bosses are all telling me i'll make foreman in a year if I stick with it. The locals know me by name and reputation :) lol I won the Fraser Lake talent show, with a kareokee rendition of Simple Man by Lynard Skynard.

I've managed to pay off 3/4 of my debt, which was goal number one. Now, I'm thinking goal two is getting something in the bank, so when I get layed off, which could be anytime between now and April, I can go hit a singles resort someplace hot, get my teeth looked at, (haven't been to the dentist in like 8 years) maybe look into knee surgury, so I can enjoy some of the things I love again without worrying about my shitty knee. Put a little into savings as a just in case fund. Move out of my parents house and find a cheap place to rent, buy myself a bed.

On my weeks off, I have my girls pretty much full time, so its nice to see them. They still love their daddy, and I think they're handling the change pretty well. I miss them like crazy when I'm gone. I don't get much time to do anything else on my turnarounds, between having my car in and out of the shop every time, and having the girls through the day, and having to be home to watch them in the eves, I don't get a lot of time to see friends. Which sucks, but they're all supportive, and to be honest most of them probs don't even notice i'm not here. :)

Being away, has helped me though, its helped me get an outside looking in perspective on the last few years of my life. Its much easier to keep emotions out of it when you aren't stuck in the middle of it. I don't think i've been gone long enough though, because I still seem to get sucked back into it everytime I come home. I chalk it up to "still transitioning" getting myself a fresh start is just the beginning, where I take it from there is a whole new ballgame. Old pains still haunt me, but they get better and better with time. I've come to terms with a lot of things, some things I'm still working on, but, yes, "transitional."

I'm still chugging away, with direction, and picking up speed.

10 days left.

Update from the metropolitian hub that is Fraser Lake. I've been working hard, did a couple 12 hour shifts the last couple nights that almost wiped me out. My body is starting to feel the strain, but I'm still healthy and people around here seem to like me.

The food is still grade A, tonight was steak and prawns night. It's supposed to be a dry camp, but with the kind of crowd this kind of work draws, you can imagine how well that rule is observed. They don't have ice, so you can't really keep beer around, and all the really have for mix is every kind of juice you can imagine, in te cafeteria, so I've taken to vodka. Not that i'm drinking a lot, shit, I don't have time for much of anything, after dinner, gym, and a shower, I have like an hour before I go to sleep. I keep a mickey in my desk drawer and have a screwdriver, now and then. :)

They have an interesting situation at Endako mines. Since the job we are working on is an expansion on an existing mine, the mine in opperating, as we're bulding the new portion. This wouldn't even be noticable normaly, since they are completely seperate buildings, but there is a constant cloud of SO2 (sulfer dioxide)being pumped out of a stack at the top of the hill, and when the wind blows westerly, that smoke comes right into the new plant. It's nasty shit, it doesn't have any lasting effects, its not like we're all getting poisoned, and we're all wearing air quality monitors, so that if it exceeds acceptable levels, we get the hell out. It sucks to work in though, it burns your eyes, and makes your throat all raw, and you can taste it when you breathe in. Last Sunday we had to get out, and man were people bitching. One thing about working on a union job like this, everyone thinks they're are fucking doctor or a lawyer. I just kept thinking, "suck it up cream puff, we're all fine, we all followed proceedure, and everyone is safe." You'd think we were working in a reactor meltdown, the way people were acting. So funny to see grown men, especially burly tradesmen acting like babys, because they got a little smoke in their eyes, and their throats. We sat around for 4 hours, and got paid, while most of them sucked back half a pack of cigarettes and bitched about a little SO2. :)

I miss my girls, I miss my friends, I miss home. I especially notice it on weekends. I seldom even realize what day it is, but if for some reason I realize its a weekend, all I can think about is home. Maybe its because I usually get my girls on the weekends, maybe its because I usually get to have a life outside of work on weekends. Whatever the reason, homesickness hits me hardest on the weekends.

I'm here for the money, and its coming in fast. I got paid last thursday, for my first 5 days + travel pay, and its about what I would normally make in 2 weeks. They're tossing around the option of a night shift, which would suck for my turn arounds, because I'd be trying to adjust my schedual all the time, but for another 6 dollars an hour I, told them I'd do it. We're still waiting to hear back as to whether or not my crew is going to nights. I figure, i'm here to work, i'm here to make money, the more money they want to throw my way, I'll take it, for as long as my body can handle it.

Tomorrow is fathers day. It's gunna be a tough one for me. God, I miss my girls...

20 More to go.

I arrived at camp, with Ron Feilding, two days ago, after a long 9 hour drive to Prince George, a night at the PG days inn, and another 2 hour drive to Fraser lake, where the camp is located. It's like a compound, all fenced in, and built of portables, but like 100's of portables. I'm in D pod, room 6. It's about the size of a college dorm room, single bed, 20" TV, desk, and a closet. (w/ no hangers) The internet is really slow, even loading pages takes forever, especially in the evening, when everyone is on it.

The food is amazing. The first night there was BBQ chicken and salmon fillets, last night was ribs and chicken stir fry, I had a cherry cheesecake for dessert. there is always potatoes cooked in some way, rice, mixed veggys, pasta, a full salad bar with like 4 different salads... just unreal food. Every morning I have 3 eggs, toast, a bowl of fruit salad, orange juice, and like half  pound of bacon :) I'm seriously going to be so fat. Luckily they have a gym and I've been using it, but I can't imagine ow i'll ever be able to burn as many calories as I'm takng in here :)

There are lots of old guys here, like i'll bet the mean age for the whole camp is like 50. Makes me think that in 10 years there is going to be a rediculous amount of work. :) There are maybe 6 girls i've seen in camp, most of them are native.

I had my first day yesterday. (i'm writing this in the morning because the net is a bit better this time of day) It was a full 10 hour day of orientation. This stuff is boring when you only have to do like 2 hours of it (on most commercial sites) Everyone was falling asleep in their chairs after about 5 hours of it. :) They gave us a bunch of cool schwag though. I got a new hardhat, a cartrage resporator, tool leash, 4 pairs of sweet safety glasses, (they're like oakleys, but safety glasses) a new high vis vest. Today, we're supposed to have another half day of orientation, (yippy!) but we were told to bring our tools, so we might get to do something today.

Endako mines! I'm coming for you!

My ride has arrived! I leave Sunday morning for Endako mines, near Burns lake, BC. I'm driving to Prince George with a guy named Ron, who I met at my drug test (for the job) on Wednesday. We'll be staying in a hotel Sunday night, and driving to the camp Monday morning. I start work Tuesday morning.

21 days straight, 10 hour days, 7 days off. I got the job through the plumbing union, I took a "pipefitting" job, which is apparently allowed as a journeyman plumber in BC, and through the union. I just can't take "Steamfitting" jobs. So, not only am I going to be working some crazy hours, but I'm going to get my full journeyman rate!

Everything happens for a reason, if I would have gotten the job in Firebag, I never would have found this job. It's so hard to see and beleive that from the other side, while you're sitting there "waiting" for something to happen. But when you can look back, and see the steps it took to lead you to where you are, it all makes sence. This job has me salivating.

I'm going to miss more of my summer, but at least I get a full 7 days of time off when I come back to town. Not only that, but they are basically the best weeks of the summer, as both long weekends fall right in the middle of my time off. I'm not going to see my girls for like two months! From July 4th until August 23rd, that makes me sad. I've never been apart from them for that long, not even close. At least they'll be having a blast with their grandparents, and aunts, and uncles in Ontario.

I'm hoping that the job lasts at least 4 "turn arounds," and not much more. I mean, don't get wrong, its going to be hard to turn down that kind of money, but I just don't know if I have the fortitude to be away from my kids for that kind of time. 4 or 5 months, will be enough to full pay off my debts, put a good chunk away as savings, and get me back on my feet. It would be nice to know there will be a job waiting for me to come back to, but that's so far down the road that I couldn't even hazard a guess at it. That's kinda why I hope the job doesn't last any longer then that, because if I can get laid off then I can come back and collect EI and look for work, debt free, and I won't have to feel like if I don't get work the next day that my kids are going to starve. If I don't get laid off, and work hasn't picked up around here... well... I'll probs have to keep going north. Again, it's so far down the road that it's not worth worrying about, especially since I just got the best news I've had in a very long time.

I'm not sure that i'll have access to internet at this camp, and I know that my time is going to be pretty limited regardless, and I'm going to be tired. I'm going to be falling off the face of the planet for a bit here, so if you're reading this, and you haven't seen or heard from me in a long time. I wish you all the best, and I'll catch you all up when I come back to earth. I love you all.

NOT goin' to camp.

Well... another setback. Apparently, I can't get hired as a pipefitter, without being indentured as a pipefitter, but I can't get indentured until I get hired. Firebag isn't happening. I'm back to being broke, unemployed, with zero job prospects, and living with my parents for the forseeable future. It's ok though, i'm healthy, and my kids love me, and I have parents who support me.

Now... if I could just get cancer... I'd be down the healthy part, but I'd get 50 grand from my critical illness insurance! (thanx Grace Edison) It's actually humorous to me that my life would step UP a couple notches if I got diagnosed with cancer... Not just any cancer mind you. I don't want one of those ones with a low survival rate. Something like a sub 20% mortality rate is something I could deal with. Testicular cancer would be fine, I'd give up at least one nut for 50 grand, Hell! they could take them both and do me a favor, I don't really want anymore kids anyway. I'm just not sure that testicular cancer is covered as a, "critical illness."

Ok, back to the reality that I don't have cancer... at least I don't think that I have cancer. I'm just gunna leave the resumes I have out there, to blow around in the wind, and start bombarding locals again. I've heard the pickings are slim, and I've applied everywhere that has adds, but you never know. I'll find something! and then 2 months down the road when I get layed off again, I'll find something else! and one day the economy will come back and maybe I can make it through a whole 12 months employed, and just maybe that'll be enough to get my bills paid down far enough to get a basement suite... in Rutland... with a roomate... or two.

I'm staying positive! well... maybe not "positive," but at least I'm laughing... at myself. I'll get back to being positive, I just want... a couple days... to hate my life! Is that OK?

It isn't OK. Looking at it from the bright side, the job in Firebag wasn't really "the best" job, it was just "the first" job. I got excited about it, because i'm so sick of spinning my wheels. I was willing, and still am to be honest, to hinch my wagon to the first opportunity to come along. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of waiting for a Rolls Royce job. I need to pay July's rent for my girls, and I'm tapped. I'Il need to get paid before the end of the month, or i'll feel like i'm letting them down. I'm sure my Ex would find a way to make up the difference in the rent, but that's not the point... It's MY JOB to provide for them. I still have my fingers crossed, and I'm going to remain hopeful that a new, and maybe better opportunity, is just around the corner. I feel like I deserve it, and whether or not that counts for anything, I have to believe that my train is coming.

Goin' to Camp.

I got my call! I'll be working for Flynt Energy, in a camp south of Ft. MacMurrey, called "Firebag." I'll be doing 12 hour days, the shift is 10 days in, 4 days out. I start on June 5th. I'm so excited! This is what I've been waiting for, a chance at a fresh start. After a few months I hope to be debt free, and I can start putting some money away. I don't know right now how long this opportunity will last, but at very least its a chance to make some good money in the next little while, and its gets my foot in the door for more camp opportunities.

I'm going to miss my girls. I don't even know if i'm prepared for how much I'm going to miss them, and I'm going to miss a good portion of my summer, but its a sacrifice I knew I'd have to make, when I decided to apply for work out of town. I will never be an absent father, it isn't me, but in the short term, its work, and its great money in a hurry. I'm going to feel so proud when I've eliminated my debt load. It's going to feel so good when I can kiss this part of my life goodbye, thank it for the lessons I've learned, and move onto the next chapter. I have a course layed out now. The I've got some hard road ahead for the next little while, the work is going to be hard, missing my friends and my summer is going to be hard, missing my kids is going to be the hardest, but I beleive there are greener pastures ahead for me. In my imagination, Eden awaits on the other side of this mountain, and I'm ready for one last climb, before a long awaited rest.

I have no delusions that times will never be temultuous again. Life has taught me that struggle and suffering are both unavoidable and necessary, but I'm ready for a short rest. A chance to breathe, to reflect, to dream, and to set a course for my next adventure... I'm getting ahead of myself, I still have a mountain infront of me, that will require sacrifice, respect, and caution if I'm ever going to see Eden. One step at a time...

Cosmic balance.

Last night my vehicle was the victom of a hit-and-run, while parked in the Safeway parking lot downtown. which means i'm out at least a $500 deductable. I'm still layed-off, so that's going to be a fun $500 to try and find. I'm getting tired of my shitty luck. I'm really hoping that all this crap that i've had thrown at me in the last little while is being stockpiled somewhere and when the cosmic balancing faerie comes by and breaks the levy, i'll finally get my good luck all at once.

A lot of people I know and love have had some pretty bad strokes of luck lately, so it makes it hard for me to pity myself. From an objective standpoint, all I can really say is, "yeah, that figures..." But I'm sure that everyone feels a sence of entitlement when it comes to their lives, we all know how hard we work to make our lives the best we can, it would just be nice to see it pay off now and then.

I'm a good person, damn it! I put out a lot of effort, and i'm always trying to make a positive influence on the world around me and the people in my life. Is it OK that I feel just a little bit indignant that all this effort, proactive living, and possitive thinking, is being answered by more shitty luck every couple weeks?

It's gone way beyond self-pity now. I genuinely feel pissed off that I can't seem to catch a break. I feel like shaking my fist at the sky and screaming, "REALLY?!" Do I need to proove that I'm really at rock bottom? Do I need to proove that I can't handle anymore of this shit? I'm here busting my ass everyday to make the best of my bad situation. I'm here doing what I can to find the silver lining. I'm standing here taking one slap in the face after another, and shrugging them off with smiles and tenacity. Do I need to collapse in a heap of broken, whimpering flesh on the ground, before life relents and helps me back to my feet?

I don't want sympathies. I don't need people to give me their energy. The people I love have their own battles, and I'm not going to ask for their hands. I can do this myself. I can spit out the blood and take another. I'm just saying... I wish I didn't have too. I'm just venting this out into the universe as a big "fuck you."

Karma or nievety?

There is an inner battle I've struggled with for basically my whole life. One of my core beliefs is that if you treat people with kindness and respect, and you give as much of yourself as you can, that respect and kindness will be revisited upon you. In basic terms, the bigger you give, the bigger you are. I've always lived my life with these values, but I am often critisized as being neive, taken for granted, or walked over. I've always felt like it makes me a stronger person to be a positive example for those who might take me for granted, but other people are viewing me as a weak person, for allowing myself to be walked over.

What counts for more? If other people see me as weak, they'll just continue to take me for granted, and they'll know that i'll just keep taking it because I beleive it makes me stronger. It's something I struggle with, because I can't fight the person I am, especially because it is a strong point of pride in my being. I don't want to be seen as weak, I want people to see it as strength. I want to be a positive example, I don't want people to be saying "look at how he lets himself get used." It all means nothing if the message isn't recieved.

I beleive that you aren't "taken for granted," until people stop appreciating your giving. I beleive that you aren't being "walked on" until people are asking you to give beyond your capacity to give. So far, I don't feel that this is the case, but over the years a lot of people I love and trust, have critisized me for this "weakness" and told me to "stand up for myself." This is "myself." I am standing up for myself, by living my beliefs, by leading by example. Do I try to change this, and make everything into a tally of how much "give and take" each relationship has? If there is more giving on my part, do I stop, or throttle that giving back, until it's on parity with how much i'm receiving? Do I ask more from my relationships, until I feel like I'm getting an adequite return on investment? Is that strength? Does that inspire respect?

I already know the answer for ME. I guess I just wish other people could see it from my perspective, and that they didn't view it as weakness. I want people to see me for the person I beleive I am, If they see me as weak, then somehow, there is some part of the message that isn't getting through.

Balance.

I want to talk about balance. I think most people can relate to the struggle of trying to reach some kind of a balance in your life, a sweet spot if you will. How much can I give, to be valued, but not taken advantage of? How much time/effort can I allocate to the various areas of my life, so I don't feel overwelmed, but still productive? How many bad habits can I have before it becomes self-destructive? How much focus can I give certain questions or intrests before it becomes obsessive? How much money do I need to make to live a comfortable lifestyle?

The vast majority of the stress in my life comes as a direct result of some imbalance, or feeling of imbalance. I think most people are in the same boat. What I'm finding right now is not that i'm necessarily way out of balance, but that with all the changes in my life there is just so many new "balances" to try and figure out. Superficial balances like, does the annoyance of having facial hair justify the "personal flare" that it offers my image? Time balances like, how much time do I need for myself to feel like I'm making personal progress/satisfaction verses how much time I need to be giving to my children? Diet balances, am I eating enough protein for the amount I'm working out? Why do I keep loosing weight when I'm exerting to much effort to gain it. (lean weight) Giving balances like, Am I spending enough time/effort, looking for work? Am I giving to much/too little in my childcare arrangement with my ex?  Am I going out, driving into town, spending money more liberally than I should considering my finacial state? If I cut down my social life, how will it effect my happiness? Is thinking this much about what I should be doing, taking away from enjoying my life and focusing on the moment? If I don't think about/strive for balance in my life at all, how long before everything just falls to shit?

This is what I think about. They are frustrating questions because, the only true answers come completely from me, and the only way to find them is through trial and error. So I'm left feeling overwelmed by all the "trials" and "errors" in my life right now, in the search for these "balance" answers.

I'm confident they'll all find their resting places sooner or later, but with all these pendulums swinging around in my head, it's making me dizzy, and I'm having difficulty focussing on them one at a time, which makes the task seem all the more daunting.

One Step Back.

Friday will be my last day with Maple Reinders. I was the most recent to arrive, so I am the first to go. Kinda sad really, that work ethic, attendance, quality of work, speed, and pleasent attitude aren't even considerations in the decision to lay a person off. It's all about seniority.

It isn't like they're even out of work, there is still lots of work, it's just couple weeks away. I was told that when they get parts in, they'll call me back. Hopefully, I'll be up north in a camp by then, but it's a plan B at least.

I'm getting so tired of spinning my wheels. I work fucking hard, I'm fast, I produce equal or better work than my peers, I have a good attitude, I take instruction well, and other people come to me to ask how to do things. I just can't seem to get my foot in the door anywhere long enough to slip the rest of me inside.

I'm to focused on improving my life to let this hit me too hard. I have to keep pressing forward, and just hope that there is a good reason for these hard times. It's like being eleven rounds into a boxing match. Winners are forged from pain, suffering, endurance, and heart. I have the strength to keep going, I just thought that by this time in my life, i'd be there. My goals just keep getting pushed back, staying just out of my reach. It's incredably frustrating, borderline infuriating, carrot on a stick, bullshit.

Give me the fucking carrot!

Reinvention.

It's been awhile since I blogged last, mostly due to a decrease in profound happenings. I'm living my life, my new life. It's like getting used to a new pair of shoes, at first they seem alien and they may even leave you with blisters, but gradually they just become a part of you.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not settling into life living with my parents, broke, and floundering around in uncertainty. I'm getting used to progress, motivation, passion, and self-reliance. I'm getting used to the idea of being a single father, of having a life outside of my job, and my family. I bought a gym pass, it's the first $100+ purchase I've made for myself in the last year. It feels good. I'm growing a goatee and shaving my head, just because I'm curious to see how I look without hair, and I haven't been able to have facial hair, for like 5 years, because my ex didn't like it. I've been reconnecting with old friends, and making new ones, which makes me feel valued, memerable, and attractive again.

My future still feels hazy, i'm really uncertain where life will take me next. I'm still trying to get into a camp job somewhere, and I've made some subtle progess in that regard. I know this whole, living with my parents gig is going to drive me nutty sooner or later. Not because they are hard to live with, just because I feel like a bit of a burden to them, and I want to feel the personal satisfaction of taking care of myself again, feeling mature, and in control. No matter how uncertain my future is, it sure feels exciting! A marrige is so full of plans, and while plans can produce a sence of comfort and security, they take something away from the excitement of life. Plans to me are like waiting in line for a ride on a roller coaster, so much of the excitement is spent anticipating the ride, that often the ride it self doesn't even measure up to your expectations. The excitement I feel now is like waking up to find out your house is on fire. I'm stumbling around in the smoke, grabbing a couple important items, and getting the fuck out.

As hazy as my future may seems, the days just keep getting brighter. I'm just enjoying the sunshine.

Serenity.

Four days into my job, four days into this new venture in Peachland. Work is everything I remember it being, monotonous, repetitive, systematic. I turn myself onto auto pilot and I just stand there on my ladder and think... all day. Most of the time, not plumbing related.

I get onto tangents, sometimes they're bad tangents. Something will be stuck in my head all day, something I should have done, something I should have said, something I should say, something that was said to me, whatever it is I'll sit there, and analize it, ALL DAY! I just sit there worrying ALL DAY! On these day I hate work, because it just seems to drag. My "plumbers auto-pilot," will get some glitches and start making mistakes, and getting frustrated because I can't thread a nut onto the end of a bolt, in an awkward position...

Today was NOT one of those days. Today, I switched on the auto pilot, and continuously blew smoke up my own ass all day. No kidding! I just sat there all day thinking about how awesome I am! The sun was shining, the wind was blowing the constant lingering smell of decaying feces, away from the wastewater treatment plant I work in, I had a full day of work ahead of me, and I was blowing some serious smoke up my ass.

I'm not still blowing smoke up my ass. I switch off the auto-pilot when I leave work. As soon as I leave work, reality sets in, and I can't daydream anymore. I will say one thing though, now I feel really peaceful. I feel content. Spring is coming in hard...

Beginnings.

I had my first day back at work today. As successful as one might hope for, they work 9 hour days there, and I'm coming off almost two months without work, so i'm pretty worn out. It's good though, I still feel possitve about the opportunity, I think it'll be a good stepping stone. I'm already looking at the job knowing that it's not a long term solution, but it gives me time to find a long term solution.

I'm living out of suitcases right now at my parents house. I'm really thankful to have them here supporting me through all this. I feel really lame for being almost 30 years old and living with my parents, but i'm not the only person in the same boat, and as long as i'm not STILL here when I hit 30, I think i'm still OK :) I also get a homecooked meal everynight, and enough leftovers for lunch the next day!

I miss home already, even though home really isn't home anymore, it's just a place I used to live, I miss the feeling of "belonging," I felt when I used to come home. I don't get the same feeling walking into my parents house, without my kids to great me at the door. I feel like a guest here, like a transient just looking for a place to stay. Some people would find this excilerating i'm sure, maybe it's the cancer in me that likes to feel like I "belong," somewhere.

Just a lonely crab looking for a new rock to hide under. :)

Step two.

Today is my last day living here. It's hard for me to think about, and even harder for me to put words too. This is just not the way I thought my life was going to go. I've fought pretty hard to go anyway but this way, but it appears my path is set before me. In a way that brings me confidence, because if life is so intent on leading me this way, it must have some greater purpose, and i'm at least a little curious to find out what that "purpose" is. It also concerns me a bit.

It's really amazing how little control we really have over our lives. The realization of your own powerlessness to change or control some things in life can make you feel helpless. I'm not sure why I feel my life would be so much better under MY direction. God knows, I have made a great deal of bad decisions in my day. I just feel like I'm being swept along in a current, unsure of where the river leads and unable to reach the shore. It would just be comforting to know a little bit more about the river is all.

I CAN control my mindset though, that's something that is completely within my control. I can choose to believe the river will slowdown eventually and I'll have the option to swim out. I can choose to believe that my ability to stay afloat and keep my head above water, will be enough to ride out the rapids. I can choose to believe that the shore I arrive on will be better than the one I left.

I'm staying positive, and trying to keep my mind on my present situation, and keeping the dreams about what is ahead of me as bright as I can imagine. It is a wild ride!

The First Step.

It arrived! The first day of spring, the day i've been waiting for. (oddly enough, also very close to the first day of spring in the "real" world.) I got a job! It's not eveything I had wished for, but it came through when I needed it, and that's what matters. I'll be working in Penticton, which also strangely enough gives me that extra kick in the pants that I need to get outta this house, my parents basement is about 30mins. closer to Penticton than here, so that pretty much puts the nail in the coffin.

It's the right thing to do. She's just in a completely other place than I am right now. The air can get thick around here. It's time that I leave. It's much more important to my children that their parents have a good relationship with each other, than it is for their father live with them full time for another couple days, weeks, months, who knows?

It's going to be really hard to tell Bekah.

I'm pretty messed up about it. It's a fight between wanting to do what's right, and wanting to be selfish, and hang onto them a little longer. I know what to do, it just sucks...

I'll see them on the weekends though, and if I get to lonely I can come into town during the week, and get here in time to put them to bed at least.

I'm a boomberang child... Mamma, i'm coming home...

Control.

How do we gain control over our emotions? I mean when they are REALLY strong ones?

I've often thought of myself as a pretty grounded person, I tend to be a logical thinker, and I can usually keep my emotions in check. Lately it just seems that my emotions have just taken the wheel, and they're like a 5 year old child driving a race car. When I can find a calming moment to myself, to meditate, and get myself centered again, I can regain control of the vehicle, but that emotion is on a hair trigger, and it's just getting set off, left and right.

Love, jealousy, and pride, are like deamons scratching at my brain, trying to break down the wall and gain control all the time. Love is the hardest one to fight off, because I want it so badly... but it just hurts me the worst of them all. I get to feeling like i'm mentally exhausted, from trying so hard to give my love and energy, and expecting nothing in return, but its in this weakened state that i'm the most vulnerable. It starts with feeling unappreciated, replaced, forgotten, alone, and as soon as those seeds take root, there is no chance of me fighting off the impending emotional storm.

This was never me. This is so new to me, love, jealousy and pride I mean, they're aliens in my life. I don't have the same capacity to deal with these emotions as I do with some of the other ones that i've had experience with, my whole life. Love was always something that was basically given to me, and it was easy to give away, I often took it for granted, I never thought twice about giving every ounce of it away, because I always knew it would be replenished. Now, I feel like the stockpile is running dry, and I need to stop giving so much of it away, or I'll find myself starving to death.

So how do I gain control and keep it? how do I fight these deamons into submission? I keep telling myself, "space, and time, space and time." I need to get myself alone, and begin the long process of accepting, forgetting, and rebuilding. I need to trust that I'm never going to win this war, so continuing to fight it, is just going to leave me as a casualty. I need to draw a few people inside my boarders, and then seal them off until the famine ends and I feel strong enough to share some love again. I know all this stuff, Its just getting it underway that is the tough part, its moving that first stone into place. Most importantly, its having the courage to raise the white flag, and knowing that i'm doing the right thing.

This war is over, i'm too tired to fight, i'm weak and wounded, and I need time, and space, to heal. Take my sword, and my armor, i'm going home to bed.

Lock up your children, there's a man in the park!

What a sad world we live in. Just because i'm a man at the park with his daughter, it must mean i'm also there to creep on your children.

I took Bekah to the park today, to get some fresh air and enjoy the sunshine. As soon as we get there all the ladies, take one look at me and quickly double check where their children are, get up from the benches where the were formerly chit-chatting with their other other mommy friends and get within arms reach of their children.

Bekah of course was all over the place, making friends, running to the slide, picking up other kid's toys. Once I pryed the toys from her hands, she happily went off to the slide and I handed the toys off to the little girl who they belonged to while her mother kept a close watch.

After Bekah was tired of the slide, we went to the swings and I tried to teach her how to pump her legs and get moving. Another little girl wanted up on the swing next to us and she asks "can you help me up?" I awkwardly ignored her request and then Bekah chimes in and says, "daddy, she wants to use the swing too." So i had to educate my daughter saying " people don't like it when daddy's touch children who aren't theirs hunny, she'll have to get her mommy to help her, i'm afraid." By that time the mother was already booking it accross the playground, to her daughters rescue, so it was no biggy.

It's so sad that because there are perverts out there, the stigma is, we all must be perverts. Its not that I really blame the mothers, they're just protecting their most prized possesions, but its just sad that they feel the need to protect them at all.

Within 30 mins. of Bekah and I being there, the park cleared out, EVERYONE left. It may have all been in my head, but it left me feeling really awkward. Do I really have to be accompanyed by a woman, to make me seem "safe" enough to be at the park with my daughter? Can't my daughter play with your children while I watch from the park bench, without you fearing that I'm going to take them or something?

We left, and I bought Bekah a kite from the dollar store, and we found a big open feild with no other children where we could fly it and enjoy the day. Great day with my daughter, all in all, just sad that I had to be made to feel like a criminal, while I spent some quality time with her.

Experience.

A friend and I recently talked about mind-made barriers to happiness. "I'll be happy when..." It's a hard habit to break, to just learn to be happy without any prerequisites. It really got me thinking about some of my own barriers to happiness, why I put them there? why this particular barrier? how do I bring it down?

My barrier is money, it's always been money. As someone who has never really had much money, i've always felt like i'm missing out. It's not that I feel that money is the key to happiness, its a little more complicated than that for me. Money for me has always symbolized a gateway to experience. Little paper tickets, that let you go on the rides at the fair. It's not that I can't be happy, strolling around the fair, and thinking i'm a good person, and having some good friends, and being healthy, and being able to look at all the people and sights, and smelling all the nice smells. I just see people all around me having fun on the rides, and I want to play too, but I don't have any tickets.

I beleive that the human soul, is basically, "the sum of individual experience." Or maybe better understood by saying, experience is what feeds, and nurishes our souls. The sum of all the things you've learned, you've accomplished, you've senced with your sight, hearing, taste, and touch, all the emotions you've felt, all the obsticles you've overcome. This is the meaning of life to me. Strengthening, and feeding, and protecting, and nurishing that soul, our most precious "self," is priority #1. I beleive that true happiness is a product of a healthy soul.

When I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, when everyday just feels the same, it makes me unhappy. If I don't feel like my soul is getting enough "food", or exercise, it makes me depressed.

My obsession with money, is less about the money, and much more about openning up the flood gates of experience. There are infinate experiences to be had in a finite amount of time, and every moment you spend going through the same motions you always do, is a moment you could have spent strengthening your soul.

When opportunities to nurture my soul are blocked by money, it is incredably frustrating. I'd love to spend my time making music, learning other peoples music, practicing an instrument, and nuturing my soul through music, but I can't afford to buy an instrument. I'd love to backpack to Machu Pichu, and just marvel at the wonder of it, but I can't afford it. I'd love to join a yoga class and a gym, to spend time, focused on being healthy, be disaplined enough to do it regularly, meet new people, but I couldn't afford the membership.

Lately, this has been my thought process, "My soul is wilting, and gettiing weaker day by day, because I can't afford to have new experiences, I can't afford to learn new things, I can't go anywhere and see or do something new and exciting, because I can't afford it. I'm stuck here just spinning my wheels day in and day out, because money is holding me back."

I'm feeling now like, pushing through a period like this, where you might not be able to nurish your soul as much as you might like to, is possible by doing, and recognizing lots of little things that you can do to enrich your life that cost very little or nothing at all, and just be thankful that you can at least do those things.

I can go for a walk, to get outside, get some sunshine, smell the clean air, and get my muscles moving. I can read a book, to learn something new, to exercise my imagination, to hear something explained to may never have made sence before. I can paint or write, to express myself, to create something from nothing. I can love my kids, and spend every moment I can with them, never miss a second, they are fountains of experience, my experience as a parent changes every new day they are alive, as they get older and have experiences of their own that I can share in. While I have no money, and am basically barred from a large amount of potential experience, why bother thinking about it if there is nothing I can do to change it. It would be much better for me to do the small things that I can do to keep my soul strong, then to do nothing.

I can't change the fact that I don't have money. I can't change the fact that my life, without money, isn't really all that attractive, to me, or anyone else. I can't change the fact that some experiences are out of my grasp for now. I don't have to let my soul wither away though, I don't have to focus on the things I can't change, I don't have to miss out on all the opportunities to stay strong, and grow stronger that don't cost anything. I have health and freedom, 5 fully-functioning sences, enough money to survive, (for now ;)) determination, and dreams.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Limbo.

This place of stillness, where nothing moves, where even time seems to slow down. So much time for reflection, and planning. All that seems to exist is a past, and an uncertain future. The present is just time passing, while I wait.

Like an artist, staring at a blank canvas, waiting for inspiration. My paints, lay before me, the brush rests gently between my fingers, the passion burns within me, but the inspiration is late. I stare at the clock on the wall and wonder, what it will be when it arrives, and why it is taking so long? Is there anymore preparation I could do while I wait? No.

All my mind has left to do, is look over a gallery full of old paintings, analize them, critique them. I know exactly what I will do next time to improve upon my technique, the thought excites me. The blank canvas on my eisle stares back at me blankly. The only sound I hear is the soft "ticking" of the hands on the clock, and the dull, and steady thumping of the heart in my chest.

Where is my muse? It should have been here by now!

So strong, my desires to move on from this. Thoughts and memories, circle round inside my head like vultures, I must already appear dead to them. I wonder, how long I can sit in this wasteland, before I die of thirst, and the birds feed on my lifeless flesh?

I have faith that my train is coming, late as it may be, to carry me off to a brand new adventure. For now, all I can do is wait, and watch the clock.

The great wall.

This is something I've always struggled with. If the only person who can truely know your intentions, your beliefs, and the person you are inside, is you. How do you convey those things to other people? Action, right? If you intend to please someone, what do you do? You DO something that shows that person that they are important to you. If you feel that you are a certain person inside, how do you show that to someone? You DO things that back up your claims. If you say you believe something, who do you convince other people that you're commited to those beliefs? you LIVE them.

That part is easy to understand. The hard part is this, what do you do when something stands in the way of your actions? What happens when there is a conflict of interest, between who you want to show to the world, and your beliefs? What happens when circumstances that are out of your control come along, and smash your intentions to bits? If these "hang ups," happen frequently enough, how do you appear to be anything but a sham?

It's going to be hard to explain this without going into specifics and personal examples, but I'm going to try.

Let's suggest that a person grows up a certain way, with certain morale fibers, certain hobbies, certain goals, certain style, certain friends, etc. then a cataclysmic event (not necessarily negative, just something big enough that it is enough to alter that persons perception of reality) alters many of the elements I just listed above. For example, graduating highschool, moving out of the nest, and learning to fend for yourself, moving away, tragedy, getting addicted to drugs, marriage, divorce, children, etc.

Now, the person who existed before the "event" doesn't really die, they just adapt their new environment. We are ever-evolving creatures, and change is really the only constant. Let's suggest, the person genuinely wants to revisit parts of their being they may have left behind, or that simply lay dormant within themselves. The barriers that caused the change in the first place still exist, but you can feel that old "self" still beating on the other side of the wall. The barriers have fortified themselves over the years because people and things have come into your life since, the "event" that never knew you before the "event." They have no recollection or knowledge of that person inside you, beating on the wall. infact, they might not even know there is a wall.

I guess the question I'm posing by all of this is, how do you get back in touch with that person on the otherside of the wall? How do you reconnect with that part of yourself, when the new part of yourself is in a completely different place than where you left the old "self?" How do you get intouch with that person, when the people around you, often the people you lean on for support, don't even believe that old "self" exists?

It's so hard to not use personal examples, so i'll just give one, and try to keep it as much about me as possible.

I grew up a very active kid, played a lot of sports, had a lot of friends, had expensive hobbies that my parents always financed. I got my first job pretty young, still in highschool, and I was one of the first among my friends to have his own car. For years, while I lived at home, or at least still figuratively leeched off my parents, I lived a pretty high pace life. I was always busy, had a tonne of friends, I snowboarded, and golfed, and went to the gym, and I could afford to treat my friends to things, and give them rides all over town, I always had money to do most of the things I loved to do, but never bothered to save a dime. Gradually though, my wants exceeded my finances and I got into the credit trap, bought a new truck, moved to Vancouver, and lived on credit for a couple months while I found a job.

It was in Vancouver that I really began to adopt a "lower key" lifestyle. I was now on my own, and paying my bills, managing my debt, and making sure I have food and a roof over my head, became a much bigger concern. I didn't have mom and dad close at hand to come bail me out of a bind, I couldn't just move back into my parents basement, and I was determined not too. I adopted video games, and movies as cheaper sources of entertainment. I only had one friend in Vancouver when I fist moved there. I left a whole life behind me, and was eager to start a new chapter.

I'd pay back little chunks of mydebt, here and there, and then i'd get layed off work, or have to go to plumbing school and it would just get tacked back on. It was still a pretty small debt back then though. Then, I got my ex pregnant, and all hell broke loose. I was just a second year plumber making like $14/hr and I was going to be a dad! I rushed through school, to try and boost my wage as fast as I could, each time at school tacked another 3-4k onto the debt. I gave up going out for beers with the guys, I gave up snowboarding, and sports, I gave up shopping, I gave up eating fast food all the time. I had to, I was going to be the sole provider for a family of three.

The person that I left behind the wall back then, has been stuck there ever since. I've been here on this side trying to get enough money together to at least pay him a visit now and then. Many of the people in my life now, never knew that person. Some of them don't believe he even exists. I became the guy without any hobbies, the guy who is always broke, the guy who stays home all the time, the guy without functioning friendships, the cheapskate. It's not all negative of course, I also became a man with priorities, dependable, loyal, and I always put my family's happiness and well-being before my own. Admirable traits in their own right, but I lost a peice of myself there. I can hear the echos of that other me, beating away on the wall, I hear it in my dreams. I hear his whispers in my head all day, haunting me, taunting me. No one else hears it. It's just a ghost to them, a figment of my imagination.

To tie it all back together now. How can I reunite myself with that other me on the otherside of the wall, when the wall is still so strong? I summorize the wall as being mostly related to my debt, and my lack of disposable income, but there is more than that. I have a family now, my decisions effect more than just me. I have a strong sence that my actions reflect not only on me, but on my family aswell.The person who I was will never exist again, but the spirit that embodied that person, light hearted, generous, free willed, spontanious, daring, in search of good times and fond memories. That person is still behind the wall, and I want to be reunited with him. I want to feel that wholeness again.

It's just frustrating, feeling like you are split apart from a whole other part of your being, and a lot of people in my life now don't even believe the other side exists. I can't convince them otherwise, until the wall comes down, and by then, it'll be to late for some of them.

Dreams.

I am prone to day dreaming. As odd as it sounds, just thinking about the life I'd love to play the starring role in always puts a smile on my face. I buy lottery tickets, not because I really beleive I might win, but because while I hold that ticket in my wallet, It's a passport to dream land. I can just imagine what my life would be like without financial limits.

I imagine myself, owning a Harley. If I could have one, "man" toy, i'd have a Harley. I just imagine it being very Zen. Not driving around the city of course, but on a long stretch of open road, just me and maybe a buddy or two. I'd have a truck too, one with an extended cab so I could still transport my daughters. I wouldn't care much about gas because, "hey, i'm rich!"

I'd buy a whole new wardrobe, not that my style would change a whole lot, I'd just have like 6 pairs of, "favorite jeans" instead of 1, and all my long sleeved shirts would be in "tall" sizes, so I didn't either look like I was wearing chilrdens clothes, or that I used to need xxl sized and I just lost like 50lbs. All my underwear would be Saxx, and I'd have like 10 pairs of shoes instead of 2. (my new shoes, and my old worn out shoes)

I'd always have cash in my wallet, because I hate using my debit card, even more than I hate having change in my pockets.

I'd have a house, but not to big, certainly not one that you'd expect a millionaire to live in. It would be totally "tricked-out" though. In floor heat, all top of the line gas appliances, granite countertops, indoor hottub and sauna, steam shower, king sized bed, all hardwood floors with tile in the kitchen and bathrooms. I'd have a sweet man-cave in the basement, complete with pool table, pinball machine, fully stocked home bar, and big screen. I'd have a grand piano too, in a room all of its own. I'd also have a more portable electric piano, one I could throw in the back of the truck, and take to jam nights with my buddies.

I'd of course have lots of friends, because I'd have time an energy to dedicate to nurturing more friendships. My girlfriend or new wife, would be gorgeous, and hilarious, always up for fun. Successful, and passionate in her own right. She'd be mentally sound, (as sound as a woman can be ;)) not insecure or jealous, well maybe a little bit jealous, just enough to let me know she loves me and she feels like other girls might love me too. She'd have her own friends, and her own social life, but when we spent time together, i'd know she wouldn't rather be somewhere else. She'd love my daughters, and they'd love her. She'd love me for who I am, and not for my riches, and she wouldn't be trying to turn me into anything, or anyone else.

I don't think i'd hire much help, like no personal driver or chef. I'd probs get a maid service a couple times a week though, 'cause I can be a bit of a slob, and I'm not a fan of cleaning.

I'd definately have a gym pass, and be taking yoga lessons, and maybe a martial art. I'd take all sorts of those courses that you always wonder who has the time and money to take, like horticulture (gardening), and cooking, and creative writing, and music lessons, and painting. I'd have a golf membership, and a seasons pass at the local ski hill.

I'd definately be travelling a lot. I want to see Machu Pichu, I want to tour Greece, I want to tour Ireland, and definately go to Wales to see stone henge. Hit some parties in Amsterdam, and go snowboarding in the Swiss Alps. Visit Japan, and tour Austrailia. Take some good buddies to Vegas, maybe do spring break in new Orleans for Mardi Gras. Take the girls to Disneyland. (or world) There are lots of places I'd love to see.

I'd spend a lot of money on my friends, and family. Not just buying everyone presents and stuff, but helping them out, paying off their debts, paying their medical bills if they good badly ill. Giving my parents (and in-law parents) enough that they could retire. I'd buy an apartment in town and a comuter car, that grandparents could rotate time in and spend time with their grandkids. I'd throw some big parties... in Mexico!  Fly everyone out, and give them enough money to cover the cost of the trip and the money they'd loose in a week wages.

That's just the fun stuff. I'd also make sure I invested appropriately, and had enough money put away for me to live to be 150. Lots of life insurance, trust funds for the girls. Basically, i'd make Grace (my financial advisor, and friend) a rich woman, just from my business alone.

It's nice to dream right?!

Inspired.

Yesterday, I watched an hour long video on youtube called, "how to be happy." (Thanks to Victor) The video is just a buddhist monk giving a speech, or sermon, not really sure what they call it in Buddhism, about what it takes to find happiness. I'd recommend watching it, to anyone really, its very uplifting and inspirational.

To summorize it, one of the key points was, just to slow down and let your sences take in the beauty around you. We move to fast through our days, taking a little second to just pause and appreciate some of the beautiful things around you can really lighten your heart. Another key point was focusing on all the parts that are good about your life. People always tell you this, but it can be really hard to do , especially when the bad things are painful. I've never had it put so elequantly though. He said "If you have breast cancer, and your world is seeming pretty dark, try and think about all the other parts of your body that don't have cancer." Another key point, is not to become addicted to your misery, if you don't try to fix things, and you don't let people in, and you don't take any help, you end up becoming your misery, you have to be able to let it go. And the last key point, is remember to believe that you deserve happiness, you deserve praise, its not about becoming big headed, its about becoming big hearted.

There was just so many good analogies, and stories, and tidbits of information. It was truely inpiring to me. I really needed to see it. Now, I'm no buddhist monk, I can't imagine that its going to be as simple for me to see all this beauty around me as it is for someone who spends their whole lives doing basically nothing BUT that. I did however take it to heart. I think something I really need to keep front and center in my mind is that even though being layed off is stressful, I haven't had time off work in 8 months, (the last time I was layed off) staying home with the kids day in and day out is tough, but I haven't been able to do this like...ever. I get to see them so much more than I ever have before. normally I get a couple hours with them after work and then they go to bed. I've spent all day, everyday with them for the last 4 weeks, I feel like I know my girls much better then I did before all this. I know their habits, their routines, I know when, and how much, and why, and what to do, and all the things I never knew before. My ex used to get so frustrated with me, because I didn't know their routines, I would forget parts of their bedtime routines, or their morning routines. I was always asking her questions, many of which I had asked before and simply forgotten. I wouldn't know how to soothe them when they were upset, or what the subtletys in Lylas babbling were conveying. I know all this now, and I feel pretty good about it. I have time to read, and blog, I have energy to want to go for a walk everyday. I work out everyday, because I'm not dog tired after a long day at work. I've quit smoking because i'm not around a group of plumbers who smoke like chimneys. There have been good things to come out of being layed off that I was missing before, because I wasn't looking for them. I'm not saying that i'm content to just sit here and let my money run out, i'm just saying that its not ALL bad.

I have an opportunity here, a chance for a fresh start. I can't leave everything about my old life behind, I have kids afterall, but that is the best part! I don't have to leave the good parts behind. I can just leave the bad parts behind. To borrow an analogy from the buddhist sermon, My life is in a winter state right now, it seems pretty dead and lifeless, but underneith the soil and just benieth the tree bark is a whole world of life, and energy, and new beginnings, just waiting for spring to arrive. It is just the cyclical nature of life, winter comes and goes. I just have to wait out the snow.

Vulnerability.

This blog was never intended to be, "Dustin's-bitch-about-his-ex-wife-fest." I've gone back over some of my blogs and edited out some of the more specific content. I try to keep these blogs objective, and more of a broad spectrum of thought rather than specifics. It's online afterall, and its really not fair of me expose details of the personal life, I share, and shared, with another person, without their consent, or approval. I'm not to try and justify my actions, i'm just trying to explain that most of the time that I get inspired to write, its because i'm flooded with emotions and thoughts, to the point that I feel like if I don't talk to someone or write them down, they might consume me.

Ironically, I might have to break the rules again a bit with this post, but I should be able to at least remain objective with my details.

My Ex is a good person, she's a great mom, and a fantastic friend. All the qualties she had when I fell in love with her in the first place, she still has. I still love her very much, but she doesn't love me. While I can respect that, it doesn't make it any easier to get over it. It's an addiction, love. I've had some troubles quitting my other addictions, but nothing compares to this. When she says, and does hurtful things to me, it effects me way more than it normally would.

It's really hard for me to be here, one could say it is similar to trying to quit heroin, when you have a pound of it sitting on the coffee table under a plexiglass case that is locked down. You know you couldn't have it, even if you tried, but everytime you look at it, it reminds you of how much you miss it, it reminds you of all the warm feelings you used to have when you did it, and how crappy you feel without it. So, why do I stay? I repeat this to myself everyday, on a feedback loop. I stay because I don't feel like things would get better, living in my parent's basement. At least I have my kids here all the time to distract me. I have my weight set. I'm in Kelowna, and closer to my friends and support. All my resumes have this phone number and address on them. I pay the rent here, or at least most of it, and if I didn't live here, i'm afraid i'd put my ex and the girls through unnecessary stress of having to find a new place.

I really feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to get out of here. I'm drowning here, i'm just waiting for one of my resumes to come through and throw me a fucking rope.

Put on a happy face.

It is brought to my attention almost daily that I'm a major bummer. I just am not really sure how I should be acting.

If I was super uplifting, and inspirational, and just a special little ray of sunshine right now, wouldn't everyone be able to see through that? or at least suspect that I was on perscription drugs? If I was HAPPY about what's going on in my life right now, wouldn't people start thinking I had a winning lottery ticket I was just sitting on? or that I have been fucking a rich, super model, with a sweet personality for the last two years, and finally my ex-wife has done the dirty work for me? No, I'm not thrilled about my current position in life, but I'm not suicidal, I'm not drinking heavily, or getting into hard drugs. I'm not picking up girls with low self-esteem off internet dating sites and fucking them. I'm working my ass off to make my situation better. I'm handling my shit. I'm taking care of my kids.

I get dressed, and maintain myself everyday. I make an effort to get out of the house, at least once a day. I go out with friends every chance I get. I make plans, I see them through. I maintain a good sence of humour. I still maintain a healthy lifestyle. I've quit drinking pop, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, all SINCE being seperated from my wife, and loosing my job. I work out almost everyday. I write poetry, and blogs. I read, and I spend just about every waking hour with my beautiful girls. I've made efforts to meet new people. I eat healthier than I have in... forever. I think i'm doing pretty fucking well, and it's just a shot in the nuts everytime I have to hear about how much of a bummer I am to be around. I'm fucking trying!

I feel anxious, worried, tired, and bored, but of course I do. I spend all day taking care of two little girls, often by myself, and during my spare time, I'm looking for work, because I'm worried about paying bills and fullfilling my duties to my kids. I'm bored because after I've spent the 2-3 hours of my day doing things I like that don't cost anything, I'm still left with like 14 hours of awake time, to try and fill up with something other than spending money, or worrying about what I'm going to do if I don't find work within the next couple weeks.

I talk, and write about my fears, and my anxieties because they are on my mind a lot, and talking, or writing about them, helps me sort my feelings into cohesive thoughts. Writing about it, gets it out of my head, because it is much more destructive in my head, then it is in text. It also reminds me that I have a group of very supportive friends and family, who love me, and want to see these hard time pass.

This is the healthiest way I know how to deal with my problems. I'm not bottling them up, I'm not supressing them with drugs and sex, I'm not running from them, and hiding out in my dark basement crying about it. I'm talking about it. I'm wearing my emotions on my face. I'm expressing my feelings in the healthiest ways I can. I'm not the first person to be sad about loosing their job. I'm not the first person who had a wife who decided after a few years together that this just wasn't for her. No, I'm not the first person to go through some rough times, but I think i'm handling it like a fucking champ.

Thank you to my friends and family who are supporting me, and keeping me in their thoughts. You are all incredably valuable to me, and I count myself among the luckiest in the world when it comes to my friends and family. I love you.

Powerlessness.

The most frustrating thing about life, is having to endure the things you are powerless to change. In conjunction with that, wondering if, or feeling like, maybe there is something you could do, or could have done, to make things better.

Changing the opinions of others, for example. Most of the time I am perfectly content to live and let live. I couldn't care less what other peoples opinions are. There are times however, that other peoples opinions really do matter. If a person has any sway, power or effect on your life, their opinion can generally make your life better, or worse, depending on the opinion they hold. Your boss for example, or your wife/girlfriend, your parents, basically anyone in a position of authority over you, or someone you share authority with. If they don't like you, or think you are lazy or incompetant, basically if they don't beleive that you are as valuable to them as you think you are, it can be incredably frustrating, and more often then not, you are powerless to change that opinion. You can either learn to live with it, or you can remove yourself from the person in question. The trouble with learning to live with it is, over time the insults and criticisms worm their way into your brain, and can plant seeds of self-doubt, you can find yourself, slowly adopting their opinion of yourself, in fact, you might even change the way you would normally do things, in order to fill the role they beleive that you are. For example, if a boss doesn't value the quality and efficiency of your work, the most common response is to put less effort in. You may have tried putting MORE effort in in the beginning, but when your best still fell short of their standards, you just throw up your hands, and fall back into place, doing just enough to keep your job.

Powerlessness to change situations in your life is another thing that can be incredably frustrating. In my case, being layed off work, and not being able to find new work. These things are completely based on things that are out of my control. When work slows down or there is a shortage, businesses lay their people off. When work is short, it is also difficult to find more work, especially when the market is flooded with other people looking for work aswell. You can put out resumes, and make call backs, and search online, and broaden your horizens, and lower your standards, but in the long run, if none of these are effective, you're just shit out of luck. I spend all day, wondering if I'm doing everything I can. I have littered western canada with my resumes, I have looked online and applied to every company that says they are hiring, and many who aren't. In the end i just have to assume there is nothing more I can do, so I just sit here next to the phone twiddling my thumbs, and writing blogs.

Could I have prepared better for this? Maybe, but its not as though I made a conscious effort, not to save for tough times, I just haven't had a long enough "good spell" to save money and pay down debt.

Bottom line, today I feel powerless. Motivated, and still hopeful, but powerless.

Altered States

I hate being single. It's not that I don't think the prospect of new beginnings is exciting, or that I don't feel like I'm going to find another relationship of value, or that I'm going to be single forever, or even that I need someone else in my life to feel whole or fullfilled. I just hate how much you have to change about your life, when you go from attached to single.

Most of my friends are in commited relationships, so going anywhere socially, where one might meet other single people just isn't on their priority list. When they get a free night, they want to hang out with their boys! They get enough female energy from their partners everyday, and their partners don't want them hanging around with other single girls. As the single guy, you'd prefer more of a mixed venue, where you might be able to chat up some single women, but your buddies want to go fishing with the boys. Now I love a good guys night, I love fishing with the boys, but am I going to meet someone that way? So, then I have to consider, maybe I should meet other single guys, so we can do single guy things together. Then you're really strapped for time and social energy, because not only are you trying to make guy friends, and going through the motions of developing a friendship with them, but you're also keeping an eye open for available women.

It takes a considerable amount of energy and effort to get out and meet a tonne of new people, hoping to find one that clicks. The failure rate is of course MUCH higher than the success rate, and the more you fail the more you can feel your standards slipping. When you're looking for someone to pair up with, "second best" just doesn't cut it, you really have to know what you want and not settle for less, after all, who wants to be back in the same place again after another 5 years?

A whole new wardrobe, keeping on top of haircuts and personal grooming, acting lessons so you can pretend you're more confident that you really are, a gym membership, money for social activities, these are all things you let slide, to varying degrees when you're in a long term relationship. You just don't have as much time and money to do them, when you're busy trying to make sure your house isn't falling apart, changing cat litter, dropping your partner off at the various social engagements, hanging out with your partners' friends/family, spending quality time with your partner, making a little time for yourself.

Then there is of course the venues, the meat markets. Where am I going to meet someone I find attractive enough to talk to, and feel there is a good chance, that upon talking to them they don't completely bore me or turn me off. I also have to feel comfortable being in the venue and it has to fullfill the requirements of being able to actually talk to them. Clubs/pubs, online, coffee shops, grocery stores, the gym, yoga, or some other "self-bettering" class, all have varying degrees of potential, but also come with varying degrees of restriction aswell.


It's just a lot of crap to go through, and so much of it has to be superficial, because we all know that being witty and smart, or sweet and romantic, or compassionate and driven, rarely convinces anyone to say, "hello."

I personally, just go commando in sweat/yoga pants, I find that gets a lot of women to say, "hello."

You know that other single people, especially other single people who have been in failed relationships, are going to be as picky as you are. You're worried about lowering your expectations and standards, because you don't want a repeat of your last relationship... It just makes a person wonder if it's worth it at all. It certainly makes you understand why its important to do all you can to keep the relationships you're in healthy. It also should be noted that as old and jaded and stale as you may feel your realationship is, and as exciting as the single life may seem, the grass is NOT greener, it just looks that way. We're all munching on dry, dead, brown, grass. Everyone is either upset that their relationship isn't what they hoped for, or upset that they can't meet anyone they could stand to be in a relationship with. The ONLY people eating green grass, are the people whose relationships are still new, or who haven't grown tired of "the same old, same old."

It all really makes a person feel like if "green grass" is really what you want, then you need to change your expectations. You have to make that dry, dead, brown, grass taste delicious. Throw some ranch on it, a couple diced tomatoes, maybe some avacado... because dry grass, is better than no grass.

High points.

I have 4 acolytes! I feel so honoured that 4 people feel that my life is interesting enough that they'd consider reading about it everyday.

Looking over my first two blogs, I noticed that the overwelming theme is pretty negative. I just want to clear the air a little bit, I'm really not a negative person, some people think so, but i'm really not. I tend to reach out to friends and family more when I'm feeling shitty about my life. When I need support, I seek it out. I think that often comes accross as being a negative person, since that is the side of me, my friends and family would hear from most often.

I consider myself a realist. I think it is very valid and normal to feel crappy about things when you loose your job, your marriage falls apart, you feel like your life is spiraling out of your control, and you feel like you've lost direction in your life. I also think its important to do everything in our power to not allow these things to take control of yourself, I don't think wallowing in your misery is healthy, or helpful. I beleive that a strong soul, forged from lifes trails and tribulations, is a far more attractive, and valuable trait than having everything handed to you on a silver platter. It is far better to have friends, and potential partners, who you know love you for who you are, and not what you have. I don't believe that "strength" means, "suffering in silence", or "sucking it up," real strength comes from perserverance. I really like to use this analogy, "who is the tougher man, he who can throw the hardest punch, or he who can take it, and stay standing for another?" Being a rock, or an island can appear very strong, but the irony is, it takes strength, to show weakness.

The point I'm trying to make here is, I love myself. I know that I have a lot inner strength. I know that I am a good man, with a lot going for me. I have a great family, great kids, great friends, a good sense of humour, i'm skilled and talented, and I have an adequitely sized penis :) My sadness is really a direct result of wounded pride I think. I beleive I should be, and appear to be, successful, happy, strong, and confident. I feel like I deserve it, I feel like I work hard for it, and my efforts should be rewarded. I don't feel like life has adequitely rewarded me for my efforts. I don't feel like my meat suit adequitely reflects the person I believe that I am inside. I find it increadably frustrating that my ex-wife can't see how amazing I am, and how hard I am going to be to replace. I find it increadably frustrating that my ex-employers layed-off one of their best workers, and kept their brown-noser buddys who talk shit about them behind their backs.

If that is not pride, I don't know what is.

P.S. in case you didn't realize... "adequitely," is the word of the day.

Trees for today.

Today I'm feeling anxious. Partly because its day 2 of quitting smoking. Partly because I'm still worried about my job prospects. Party because the clear vision of "my ideal future," I try to keep front and center in my mind isn't really as clear as I'd like it to be.

The aura around me is tumultuous, the air I breathe feels like smoke in my lungs, and the very ground I walk on heaves and sways, seeming intent on throwing me off my course. It gives me pause, to consider if this is an obsticle to be overcome, and to be strengthened by once I reach it's end? Or is it a sign from the very earth itself that I am on the wrong path? The answer escapes me.

I know one thing, the love I have for my daughters, and the desire I have for personal fullfillment gives me the strength to keep going, as long as I place them infront of my eyes, like a figurative carrot on a stick, the thought of giving up stops being an option. They need me, I need me, nothing else matters. As weak as I feel, as hard it is to climb out of bed, as hard it is to look into the mirror and see a meat suit that doesn't reflect the same person I feel I am inside. They are all secondary to the carrot in my face.

Going to change it up a bit here and talk about my meat suit, and the "me" that drives it.

I struggle a lot with worry, in regards to personal finances. It always has me torn. On the one hand, I am a firm beleiver that money doesn't make a man.  On the other hand, living with zero disposable income, is making me  miserable, it was making me feel like I was working with no reward, and now that i'm not even working, its just making me feel like a huge festering pile of shit. I don't even like money, I don't want a lot of money. I dream, like i'm sure everyone else does, of a life where work was optional, and my time was my own, money is really the only realistic way there of course, but i'm not even talking about that. I am talking about the simple things. I'm a simple kinda man, I just wanna be someone I love and understand...

I want enough to have my phone ring and hear my friends on the other end, not some collection agency, looking for money I don't have. I want to have enough that I feel like I can spend some money on a new pair of work boots, and still put food on the table that month. I want to feel like I could bring a friend who is low on money, out to wing night, and pick up his tab. Hell, I want to feel like I can afford wing night for myself. I want to feel like I'm putting money away for the future. I want to feel like one day I might be able to afford a house. I want to feel like I can afford to be laid off for a few months out of the year while work is slow and hard to find, without putting myself into debt. I want to have enough money to say "YES" more, and not have to say "I can't afford it." I want to have enough money to convey to the world, the person that I am, on the inside. This is where I've placed the dot on my map. This is my goal. The goal I referred to earlier, that was growing harder and harder to see. I goal that I've temporarily replaced with the carrot, and basic survival instincts.

I'm left wondering why. Why does such a simple goal seem so far out of reach? Why do I see a myriad of success around me, and yet it completely escapes me? What is with my shitty luck? Why can I not catch a break? Is it right for me to feel so indignant about my circumstances, when I know there are people in worse shape than me? Is it something that i've done that has lead me here? or am I right in feeling like these events have been mostly out of my control? If my current circumstances are a direct result of my own mistakes, I need to know what those mistakes were, if I am to learn from them, and correct them in the future.

I'd hate to think that this is a lesson, in a subject that i'm just failing misserably at, and I didn't even realize that I was in school. I certainly did not sign up for this course. "How to spend a year at rock bottom 101" who would volunteer for that crap! Now i'm moving onto year two, and I can't possibley imagine how I passed year one with a high enough grade to get into year two. How do I drop out? can I enroll in "Easy living 101" Is that class full? who's dick do I have to suck to get to the front of THAT line, I'm not a proud man, certainly not after passing year one of "Rock bottom." Just point me to the dick...

I just keep hoping that these trials are all in place to make the driver inside my meat suit stronger. Having a strong driver, is more valuable than any worldly object the meat suit could hope to obtain, but there are times when I feel like these trails are actually wearing the driver down, not making me stronger. My driver is tired, my meat suit is worn out. I'd happily come back and finish this part of the journey at a later date, if I could just get a breif period of respite to recover some of my strength.

My First Blog

I'm not sure why I feel like I want to keep a journal that the world can log into and read. Maybe its because I feel like I have something to say, maybe it has more with my desire to share myself with the people I care about. Maybe it has more to do with my legacy, do people know me? do they understand me? does it matter? What happens to my thoughts and ideas, my beliefs, my story, if I passed away tomorrow? would I feel like the people at my funeral had a good grasp on who I was at my core, or do they just have faded snapshots in time, of who I was when I knew them, or who they thought I was. Maybe keeping a current and up to date documentation of my ideas, thoughts and feelings will help me feel like I'm able to keep better in touch with the people who care enough to read it.

I think I should give props to Grace for being a ground breaker in this "blogging" for me. I don't really know anyone else who has a blog, most people are far more private about their thoughts and feelings to post it for the world to see, but I think in that sence Grace and I might share that in common.

I don't know where to start, with a background summery, or just start fresh with an entry about today, and move forward from there. I guess a short rundown of my recent history is probabley necessary for some of the elements of todays story to make sence.

I, Dustin Vaughan, am the proud father of two beautiful little girls. Rebekah and Lyla. They are the two constant, and unwavering lights in my life, and I've come to realize that even though they are so young, I need them, I need them as much as they need me. Especially during this dark period of my life, I need every ounce of love that I can leech, and those girls are unending sources of it.

Dark period of my life? yeah, I'm going to try to circumnavigate (good word!) the details of this a bit just out of respect for the people involed and effected by it. This is a blog about MY life and MY feelings, so i'll try to keep it on that focus. My marrige is over, the woman I thought was going to be with me for the long haul... does not want to be with me for the long haul. We currently still live together, it is a point of shame for me, and it probabley causes more harm than good, but it is financially necessary, it still has the feeling of "home", and I just want to be close to my girls. I lost my job three weeks ago, I was working on the new KGH expension, but work on that project has slowed down, and I was let go. Very bad timing, not that there is really ever great timing to be laid off, but it wouldn't have been so bad, if the economy was in full swing, and maybe if I would have had some emergency money kicking around for a time like this.

I've been trying to get out of town and into a camp style work environment, northern BC, northern alberta, yukon, NTW, nunavet (sp?) they all are littered with my resumes... no calls. I just feel like maybe its a chance to kill a few birds with one stone. I have a buttload of debt, that gets nowhere working my regular hours here in town. I have no savings. I live in a bad situation. My kids are still young enough to hopefully not notice that their dad is gone for a few months. I just figured it might be ideal for me to get out of town and make some REAL money for a few months, and then be able to come back in the fall and start rebuilding a life for myself, and my girls. Fate just isn't seeing eye to eye with me on this one. I've been applying locally lately because the most important thing is that I keep food on the table and a roof over the heads of those sweet, little girls.

This is the forest. There are many trees, but I can't show them all to you because it's 2:30am, and I'm tired. Maybe I'll take a little more time to examine a few of the trees, tomorrow.