Just passing through.

I finished up strong at Endako on the 27th of February. Since then, I've been home, spending time with my girls and catching up on many things that were sidelined or I always meant to do but never could afford. I've burnt through A LOT of money, but i'm not really worried, its catch up time. Time to enjoy a few fruits of my labour.

Since arriving home, I've been seeing a traditional chinese acupuncturist, who has totally helped me heal a broken body and mind. I've quit smoking both cigarettes and pot. I've joined a gym, and try to go everyday. I'm making some positive steps, and have many more left on the list, before I head back out of town. The best part is all the time I've had to spend with my girls.

I've been staying at Cassandra's place in Kelowna for the most part. I still take the girls to my parents place when she wants the house to herself. It's been great because I get to see the kids everyday, but I still get to have a life because we split up the nights. The downside is, I'm basically just playing house again... I always just fanasized that my life would be, husband, wife and kids living happily under one roof. The last 3 weeks or so have just kinda blurred the lines between reality and fantasy. I can't help but fall back into it, because I want it so badly, but it isn't reality. I don't belong here, this is Cassandra's space now, it isn't my home, i'm just the transient who sleeps on the couch. SO... I've found a cheap 1bdrm place in Glenmore that will serve as my new home base. It's gunna be tight. I'm making up the bedroom for the girls, with 2 single beds and their toys. I'll sleep in the livingroom on a pullout couch until I can afford to buy a place, probabley sometime next year. I move in on April 1st, and then I can get back to reality.

It's daunting to think that almost a month has passed since I was layed off, and I feel like I have so much more to do. My love life is a tricky animal right now, because I find myself missing the comforts and companionship of the fairer sex, but cannot even fathom the possibility of a real relationship yet. It certainly wouldn't be fair or smart to enter into a relationship knowing that im heading back out of town in 2 months. One thing, that has been positive,  is being back in town has done wonders for the self-confidence.

My Evolution continues. Right now it feels a little more rapid than in usually does. Like a passenger, staring out the window at the rapidly changing landscape of my life, i'm trying desperately to soak it all in before I hit traffic and have to slow down again, when I head back out of town. One day, i'll be able to stay longer, and I can set up more perminant roots. For now, I'm just passing through.

The end is near.

The last 9 months have come down to this. The Endako mine project is coming to an end. The end of February marks the end of UA170 involvement in the project, im sure there will be testing and changes made externally over the next little while, but our job is done. It's been a great project, like most projects there were many times when we questioned the aptitude of our leadership, but we reached the finish line nevertheless. For me, its been a life changer, an experience I will never forget. June 7th, 2011-Feb 29th, 2012... Im tired, I haven't had a single day where i've had more than 7 hours sleep, since the beginning of June. Its catching up to me. I'm just so thankful for the opportunity I had here. Its been a door openner and a door closer, and i've never been ungreatful for any of it.

I have a short interval coming up, where I'll be spending some time at home, layed-off, and trying to enjoy getting reaquainted with my life. I'm torn as to the next steps I should take as far as my living situation is concerned. My parents have been very gracious hosts for the last 9 months, and a huge help with the girls. I just feel like i've overstayed my welcome here. Not only do I feel pathetic for being almost 30 and living with my parents, but my parents already were parents, and me bringing the girls here for a week every month, and them having the girls almost every weekend from my Ex, has worn them out. My mom could probabley be a full time grandma, until she litterally collapsed from exhaustion, but my dad is starting to want his life back, which is totally understandable. Young kids are a very pleasant experience, but not one that anyone should have to endure a second time at almost 60 years old. While I'm here I take full reigns over them, but its still my parents house they're colouring on, peeing on, screaming in, and disassembling. I've thought about getting my own place, which I could probs afford now, but it would be tight, and it would only lengthen the amount of time it'll take me to save up a downpayment for my own place. I've thought about getting a roomate, but how do you tell a roomate, "I'm hardly ever going to be here, but when I am, my kids are going to fuck your shit right up." I'm only going to be in town for 3-4 months tops, then I'm planning to ship out to Saskachewan to start saving that downpayment. Its just that right now I'm stuck in limbo, living out of my car and sleeping in spare bedrooms and couches. It sucks. It's not the biggest obsticale i've ever encountered, there are many options for overcoming it, they just all suck! "hmmm, would I rather eat shit, vomit, or bloody puss?"

I kinda wish I could just basement troll at the house in Kelowna, but Cassandra requires her privacy and "kid-free" time far to much for that, and she's planning on moving into a smaller pad, which is a good plan, 'cause they don't need all the space, and I'm paying for it. I'm also still just fucked up enough about our situation still that, witnessing her social behaviour (and her witnessing mine), day in and day out could very well send my off my wheels. We have a pretty good thing going on, and I've come a long way inside this thick skull of mine, I'd hate to ruin a lot of hard work by bringing emotions back into the mix.

Problems never really seem to vacate our lives, you just find new and creative ways to deal with them. No matter what I decide to do in the next few months, there's gunna be good and bad that comes with it. It still makes me laugh in comparrison to what i've recently come through, and I'm sure that no matter what i decide, isn't likely to change my life to much looking longterm. Its on my mind, and does require resolution, im just waiting to full assess all the options.

My oyster

If you'd have asked me one year ago if i'd feel like I do today, only one year later, i'd have dismissed your positive sentiment as "good luck" wishes. Jan 16th marked 1 year of seperation between my Ex and I. A year ago i felt like things couldn't get any worse, they did get worse for a short time afterward, but since the beginning of June I've fought my way back into a smile.

What changed? Well, money is the first conclusion I jump to, because that was probs the biggest "change." However, I've never beleived money was a direct route to happiness, nor is having lots of it guarentee that happiness will endure. Don't get me wrong, i'd hardly say I have "money" even now, what I don't have is a monumental debt. What I have is room to breathe. Living life afraid of the next phone bill, afraid of incoming lay-offs, afraid that you're failing as the sole provider for your family, is a tremendous burden to bear. It left me feeling exhausted, weak, powerless, insecure. I'm not afraid anymore. I don't ever expect to be a millionare, nor am I sure that i'd want to be, but having that weight lifted off my shoulders has let me stand up straight, and look forward instead of downward.

My confidence has grown due to the relaxation of my fears, a relaxation of the expectations and obligations that I put on myself, and the ones others put on me, and positive reinforcement from people who care about me.

It's been awhile since my last blog. Since the last blog, I'm debt free! I got to do Christmas right this year. It was the first christmas in years that I didn't feel stressed out. It was busy, and It went by way to fast. I spent it with my girls, my family, and good friends.

At work, most of the guys were layed-off just before christmas, with just a few of us being asked to stay on to finish off in the new year. The herd will likely be thinned again by the end of February, and to be honest, I hope i'm on that list. It was an honor to be asked to stay, and the extra couple months worth of work, will make a vast difference in the types of things I can do over the next few months. It'll be nice to start thinking about retirement savings, spend a little money on myself, and spend some time with my girls, without the stressful burden of having to find work ASAP. Going forward, I've made some great contacts, and managed to make a posititve name for myself within the plumbing/pipefitting union. Theres rumblings of upcoming work all over the province, even though I haven't seen anything to promising until the summer time at the very earliest. I'm going to look into a job doing a potash mine near Saskatoon, the contractor I'm working for right now is doing that job next, its sounds like theres good money to be made there, theres some good friends of mine planning on checking that job out, and they fly you in and out so, even though its 2 provinces away, i won't miss anymore time with my girls.

I am haunted by a blog I wrote when I first came up here saying that this wouldn't be a long term gig, me working out of town. I still don't want to work like this forever, but the girls seem to have adjusted to it pretty well, and I still feel like I have an opportunity while they're still young to build a bit of a foundation. Getting out of my parents house and buying a place of my own, writing my steamfitting ticket, so I can do this kind of work in the future, anywhere, even when people don't know my name. Getting a bit more financially set up so I don't fear the future as much. Also, while the girls are young and with my Ex not working, I can't really afford to not work, there is no way I could afford the kind of money i've been forking out lately if I worked in town.

I've come a long way in the last year, I feel good about where I am and where i'm headed. I'm empowered by the feeling inside myself that i'm doing the right things, that i'm making good decisions. People around me are supportive and encouraging. I still have work to be done, but that keeps me busy, making plans and knocking them off. Everytime I follow through with a plan i've made it just gives me more confidence to make bigger plans :)

Update.

Well, i'm 4 months in. I haven't blogged in awhile. I was offered LoA (they give us 115/day to fend for ourselves) back at the beginning of July, and the place I'm staying in doesn't have working internet.

The Endako roadhouse, is my humble abode. Nine, dated, hotel rooms above a pub in a "hamlet" of about 150 people. The whopping metropolous of Fraser Lake (about 1500 people, 700 of them natives) is about 10 mins away, so thank god for that! The weather up there is rediculous, I scrapped frost off my window on August 16th, it rained every single day in July, and we got about 1 week of summer in September.

People love me though, they guys I work with all like working with me. My bosses are all telling me i'll make foreman in a year if I stick with it. The locals know me by name and reputation :) lol I won the Fraser Lake talent show, with a kareokee rendition of Simple Man by Lynard Skynard.

I've managed to pay off 3/4 of my debt, which was goal number one. Now, I'm thinking goal two is getting something in the bank, so when I get layed off, which could be anytime between now and April, I can go hit a singles resort someplace hot, get my teeth looked at, (haven't been to the dentist in like 8 years) maybe look into knee surgury, so I can enjoy some of the things I love again without worrying about my shitty knee. Put a little into savings as a just in case fund. Move out of my parents house and find a cheap place to rent, buy myself a bed.

On my weeks off, I have my girls pretty much full time, so its nice to see them. They still love their daddy, and I think they're handling the change pretty well. I miss them like crazy when I'm gone. I don't get much time to do anything else on my turnarounds, between having my car in and out of the shop every time, and having the girls through the day, and having to be home to watch them in the eves, I don't get a lot of time to see friends. Which sucks, but they're all supportive, and to be honest most of them probs don't even notice i'm not here. :)

Being away, has helped me though, its helped me get an outside looking in perspective on the last few years of my life. Its much easier to keep emotions out of it when you aren't stuck in the middle of it. I don't think i've been gone long enough though, because I still seem to get sucked back into it everytime I come home. I chalk it up to "still transitioning" getting myself a fresh start is just the beginning, where I take it from there is a whole new ballgame. Old pains still haunt me, but they get better and better with time. I've come to terms with a lot of things, some things I'm still working on, but, yes, "transitional."

I'm still chugging away, with direction, and picking up speed.

10 days left.

Update from the metropolitian hub that is Fraser Lake. I've been working hard, did a couple 12 hour shifts the last couple nights that almost wiped me out. My body is starting to feel the strain, but I'm still healthy and people around here seem to like me.

The food is still grade A, tonight was steak and prawns night. It's supposed to be a dry camp, but with the kind of crowd this kind of work draws, you can imagine how well that rule is observed. They don't have ice, so you can't really keep beer around, and all the really have for mix is every kind of juice you can imagine, in te cafeteria, so I've taken to vodka. Not that i'm drinking a lot, shit, I don't have time for much of anything, after dinner, gym, and a shower, I have like an hour before I go to sleep. I keep a mickey in my desk drawer and have a screwdriver, now and then. :)

They have an interesting situation at Endako mines. Since the job we are working on is an expansion on an existing mine, the mine in opperating, as we're bulding the new portion. This wouldn't even be noticable normaly, since they are completely seperate buildings, but there is a constant cloud of SO2 (sulfer dioxide)being pumped out of a stack at the top of the hill, and when the wind blows westerly, that smoke comes right into the new plant. It's nasty shit, it doesn't have any lasting effects, its not like we're all getting poisoned, and we're all wearing air quality monitors, so that if it exceeds acceptable levels, we get the hell out. It sucks to work in though, it burns your eyes, and makes your throat all raw, and you can taste it when you breathe in. Last Sunday we had to get out, and man were people bitching. One thing about working on a union job like this, everyone thinks they're are fucking doctor or a lawyer. I just kept thinking, "suck it up cream puff, we're all fine, we all followed proceedure, and everyone is safe." You'd think we were working in a reactor meltdown, the way people were acting. So funny to see grown men, especially burly tradesmen acting like babys, because they got a little smoke in their eyes, and their throats. We sat around for 4 hours, and got paid, while most of them sucked back half a pack of cigarettes and bitched about a little SO2. :)

I miss my girls, I miss my friends, I miss home. I especially notice it on weekends. I seldom even realize what day it is, but if for some reason I realize its a weekend, all I can think about is home. Maybe its because I usually get my girls on the weekends, maybe its because I usually get to have a life outside of work on weekends. Whatever the reason, homesickness hits me hardest on the weekends.

I'm here for the money, and its coming in fast. I got paid last thursday, for my first 5 days + travel pay, and its about what I would normally make in 2 weeks. They're tossing around the option of a night shift, which would suck for my turn arounds, because I'd be trying to adjust my schedual all the time, but for another 6 dollars an hour I, told them I'd do it. We're still waiting to hear back as to whether or not my crew is going to nights. I figure, i'm here to work, i'm here to make money, the more money they want to throw my way, I'll take it, for as long as my body can handle it.

Tomorrow is fathers day. It's gunna be a tough one for me. God, I miss my girls...

20 More to go.

I arrived at camp, with Ron Feilding, two days ago, after a long 9 hour drive to Prince George, a night at the PG days inn, and another 2 hour drive to Fraser lake, where the camp is located. It's like a compound, all fenced in, and built of portables, but like 100's of portables. I'm in D pod, room 6. It's about the size of a college dorm room, single bed, 20" TV, desk, and a closet. (w/ no hangers) The internet is really slow, even loading pages takes forever, especially in the evening, when everyone is on it.

The food is amazing. The first night there was BBQ chicken and salmon fillets, last night was ribs and chicken stir fry, I had a cherry cheesecake for dessert. there is always potatoes cooked in some way, rice, mixed veggys, pasta, a full salad bar with like 4 different salads... just unreal food. Every morning I have 3 eggs, toast, a bowl of fruit salad, orange juice, and like half  pound of bacon :) I'm seriously going to be so fat. Luckily they have a gym and I've been using it, but I can't imagine ow i'll ever be able to burn as many calories as I'm takng in here :)

There are lots of old guys here, like i'll bet the mean age for the whole camp is like 50. Makes me think that in 10 years there is going to be a rediculous amount of work. :) There are maybe 6 girls i've seen in camp, most of them are native.

I had my first day yesterday. (i'm writing this in the morning because the net is a bit better this time of day) It was a full 10 hour day of orientation. This stuff is boring when you only have to do like 2 hours of it (on most commercial sites) Everyone was falling asleep in their chairs after about 5 hours of it. :) They gave us a bunch of cool schwag though. I got a new hardhat, a cartrage resporator, tool leash, 4 pairs of sweet safety glasses, (they're like oakleys, but safety glasses) a new high vis vest. Today, we're supposed to have another half day of orientation, (yippy!) but we were told to bring our tools, so we might get to do something today.

Endako mines! I'm coming for you!

My ride has arrived! I leave Sunday morning for Endako mines, near Burns lake, BC. I'm driving to Prince George with a guy named Ron, who I met at my drug test (for the job) on Wednesday. We'll be staying in a hotel Sunday night, and driving to the camp Monday morning. I start work Tuesday morning.

21 days straight, 10 hour days, 7 days off. I got the job through the plumbing union, I took a "pipefitting" job, which is apparently allowed as a journeyman plumber in BC, and through the union. I just can't take "Steamfitting" jobs. So, not only am I going to be working some crazy hours, but I'm going to get my full journeyman rate!

Everything happens for a reason, if I would have gotten the job in Firebag, I never would have found this job. It's so hard to see and beleive that from the other side, while you're sitting there "waiting" for something to happen. But when you can look back, and see the steps it took to lead you to where you are, it all makes sence. This job has me salivating.

I'm going to miss more of my summer, but at least I get a full 7 days of time off when I come back to town. Not only that, but they are basically the best weeks of the summer, as both long weekends fall right in the middle of my time off. I'm not going to see my girls for like two months! From July 4th until August 23rd, that makes me sad. I've never been apart from them for that long, not even close. At least they'll be having a blast with their grandparents, and aunts, and uncles in Ontario.

I'm hoping that the job lasts at least 4 "turn arounds," and not much more. I mean, don't get wrong, its going to be hard to turn down that kind of money, but I just don't know if I have the fortitude to be away from my kids for that kind of time. 4 or 5 months, will be enough to full pay off my debts, put a good chunk away as savings, and get me back on my feet. It would be nice to know there will be a job waiting for me to come back to, but that's so far down the road that I couldn't even hazard a guess at it. That's kinda why I hope the job doesn't last any longer then that, because if I can get laid off then I can come back and collect EI and look for work, debt free, and I won't have to feel like if I don't get work the next day that my kids are going to starve. If I don't get laid off, and work hasn't picked up around here... well... I'll probs have to keep going north. Again, it's so far down the road that it's not worth worrying about, especially since I just got the best news I've had in a very long time.

I'm not sure that i'll have access to internet at this camp, and I know that my time is going to be pretty limited regardless, and I'm going to be tired. I'm going to be falling off the face of the planet for a bit here, so if you're reading this, and you haven't seen or heard from me in a long time. I wish you all the best, and I'll catch you all up when I come back to earth. I love you all.