If you'd have asked me one year ago if i'd feel like I do today, only one year later, i'd have dismissed your positive sentiment as "good luck" wishes. Jan 16th marked 1 year of seperation between my Ex and I. A year ago i felt like things couldn't get any worse, they did get worse for a short time afterward, but since the beginning of June I've fought my way back into a smile.
What changed? Well, money is the first conclusion I jump to, because that was probs the biggest "change." However, I've never beleived money was a direct route to happiness, nor is having lots of it guarentee that happiness will endure. Don't get me wrong, i'd hardly say I have "money" even now, what I don't have is a monumental debt. What I have is room to breathe. Living life afraid of the next phone bill, afraid of incoming lay-offs, afraid that you're failing as the sole provider for your family, is a tremendous burden to bear. It left me feeling exhausted, weak, powerless, insecure. I'm not afraid anymore. I don't ever expect to be a millionare, nor am I sure that i'd want to be, but having that weight lifted off my shoulders has let me stand up straight, and look forward instead of downward.
My confidence has grown due to the relaxation of my fears, a relaxation of the expectations and obligations that I put on myself, and the ones others put on me, and positive reinforcement from people who care about me.
It's been awhile since my last blog. Since the last blog, I'm debt free! I got to do Christmas right this year. It was the first christmas in years that I didn't feel stressed out. It was busy, and It went by way to fast. I spent it with my girls, my family, and good friends.
At work, most of the guys were layed-off just before christmas, with just a few of us being asked to stay on to finish off in the new year. The herd will likely be thinned again by the end of February, and to be honest, I hope i'm on that list. It was an honor to be asked to stay, and the extra couple months worth of work, will make a vast difference in the types of things I can do over the next few months. It'll be nice to start thinking about retirement savings, spend a little money on myself, and spend some time with my girls, without the stressful burden of having to find work ASAP. Going forward, I've made some great contacts, and managed to make a posititve name for myself within the plumbing/pipefitting union. Theres rumblings of upcoming work all over the province, even though I haven't seen anything to promising until the summer time at the very earliest. I'm going to look into a job doing a potash mine near Saskatoon, the contractor I'm working for right now is doing that job next, its sounds like theres good money to be made there, theres some good friends of mine planning on checking that job out, and they fly you in and out so, even though its 2 provinces away, i won't miss anymore time with my girls.
I am haunted by a blog I wrote when I first came up here saying that this wouldn't be a long term gig, me working out of town. I still don't want to work like this forever, but the girls seem to have adjusted to it pretty well, and I still feel like I have an opportunity while they're still young to build a bit of a foundation. Getting out of my parents house and buying a place of my own, writing my steamfitting ticket, so I can do this kind of work in the future, anywhere, even when people don't know my name. Getting a bit more financially set up so I don't fear the future as much. Also, while the girls are young and with my Ex not working, I can't really afford to not work, there is no way I could afford the kind of money i've been forking out lately if I worked in town.
I've come a long way in the last year, I feel good about where I am and where i'm headed. I'm empowered by the feeling inside myself that i'm doing the right things, that i'm making good decisions. People around me are supportive and encouraging. I still have work to be done, but that keeps me busy, making plans and knocking them off. Everytime I follow through with a plan i've made it just gives me more confidence to make bigger plans :)
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