There is an inner battle I've struggled with for basically my whole life. One of my core beliefs is that if you treat people with kindness and respect, and you give as much of yourself as you can, that respect and kindness will be revisited upon you. In basic terms, the bigger you give, the bigger you are. I've always lived my life with these values, but I am often critisized as being neive, taken for granted, or walked over. I've always felt like it makes me a stronger person to be a positive example for those who might take me for granted, but other people are viewing me as a weak person, for allowing myself to be walked over.
What counts for more? If other people see me as weak, they'll just continue to take me for granted, and they'll know that i'll just keep taking it because I beleive it makes me stronger. It's something I struggle with, because I can't fight the person I am, especially because it is a strong point of pride in my being. I don't want to be seen as weak, I want people to see it as strength. I want to be a positive example, I don't want people to be saying "look at how he lets himself get used." It all means nothing if the message isn't recieved.
I beleive that you aren't "taken for granted," until people stop appreciating your giving. I beleive that you aren't being "walked on" until people are asking you to give beyond your capacity to give. So far, I don't feel that this is the case, but over the years a lot of people I love and trust, have critisized me for this "weakness" and told me to "stand up for myself." This is "myself." I am standing up for myself, by living my beliefs, by leading by example. Do I try to change this, and make everything into a tally of how much "give and take" each relationship has? If there is more giving on my part, do I stop, or throttle that giving back, until it's on parity with how much i'm receiving? Do I ask more from my relationships, until I feel like I'm getting an adequite return on investment? Is that strength? Does that inspire respect?
I already know the answer for ME. I guess I just wish other people could see it from my perspective, and that they didn't view it as weakness. I want people to see me for the person I beleive I am, If they see me as weak, then somehow, there is some part of the message that isn't getting through.
I totally agree with you. I am often in the same situations...where I give more then I get back from people and it sucks, but I've also realized it has nothing to do with how they see you, they aren't activly seeking out anyone to take advantage of or walk all over, it just happens because they are so self involved that others have become a commodity they don't see anymore. So don't think its you, or that you need to change, or that people see you as weak or easy to walk over...Just do what is in your nature and makes you feel good about who you are. Just be a little more weary of who you invest energy into or else give it away freely so that anything you do get back is extra. Its hard and not easy, I'm still working on it, but I've realized its not something I'm doing wrong.
ReplyDeleteXOX
thank you! its good to know that im not alone, ive known this, just that its hard to stand in the "turn the other cheek" position while trying to dominate your "works-lot"( the problem was: not acting tough enough which actually is the right-eous response) for how strong are you,when you can put down yourself?, or cut the strings at skin bringing back the pieces pre-occupied with forsight;so to deal with what life has put in front of you? very strong! to ttake oneself and procedings away, creates a void in the space of ambition, incentive, and persuit,those things which underway to become you, like lightswitch turned off, allows the darkness to rush in,or in this case allows life or god to rush in; your body has become the temple, creating the entuitous chain, the heart must be set on your accessabilty forwhen life brings whatever your way youved pieced yourself back 2gether seeing the tasks end recieving the conveinience of solutions or positive outcome, when life, bringng forth in front of you; will you allow it to cling on to your ankle as though ball-n-chain? one must remember pearls before pigs, as consumers we forget that when we take someone or something is being taken from. reaching the understanding that life truly is responsive intuitively has meant that you have humbled beyond yourself giving the chance to see beyond yourself and discover the greater being present around you know that life is there listening talk to it give to it because what it has is rites of passage to whatever you dream of living this way is of the shepperd not the sheep doing its work speeds up its process to get to you quicker. generally most havew forgotten tha nothing is happening, nothing need to happen, all has been done all will be it is what it is, and that its just our emotions to feel the race, weve become desire-driven drones. when you are in satifactory, you are where you need to be dont need to go n-e-where, but want and you must get through all that is between you and it every moment offers triumpht, but cut down by our settings, give yourself to life so that life gives itself to you, and remember that there is a thick line between sacrifice and suicide.and also 'member life is an oxy-moron not a nazi!!!moron (intention expressed indirectly)lol!
ReplyDeleteMy meditation teacher lays that the energy should be returned. The advantage of his approach is that people have the opportunity to learn, if you are always nice then those how are willing to bully never question their behaviour. The time to be nice to those who abuse is when they are suffering the consequences of their action because it is then that they need help and at that point when they can learn.
ReplyDeleteThe other difficulty is that you obviously what to help people, if you help undiscriminatingly then you strengthen those whose narcissism is hurting others. If you help those who care for others people your care gets amplified.
What I found is that there are numerous teachers who are very good at getting those who care, to care for each other and themselves better. The difficult bit is giving the narcissistic bullies what they need, the daoist tradition has a greeting of a soft hand covering a relaxed fist. Jesus practised a warm heart yet drove out the cold hearted money changers. Mohamed brought peace to the tribes of Arabia but fought battles to keep it.
The difficulty (in my experience) in being open to everybody is you can loose the ability to really reciprocate at a much deeper level with a few people.
You don't need to keep a score card but being able to ask for what you need is important. My gran preferred chicken breast so she gave it to us, we preferred the dark meat, when I discussed the matter everybody was uncomfortable, then we each got what we wanted and felt more comfortable in each others company.
As different teacher told me we all have our karma until we walk away from it. I grew up in an environment where extended family members trying to get what they wanted lead to arguments as did my mum. I learnt not to ask for what I wanted as my mum did because what I wanted most was peace and the rest of my family to be happy. The problem was in ignoring her other needs my mum became so unhappy that she was suicidal. She said to me that all she wanted was for me to be happy. To be honest I found it difficult to be happy when she did not seem happy.