Vulnerability.

This blog was never intended to be, "Dustin's-bitch-about-his-ex-wife-fest." I've gone back over some of my blogs and edited out some of the more specific content. I try to keep these blogs objective, and more of a broad spectrum of thought rather than specifics. It's online afterall, and its really not fair of me expose details of the personal life, I share, and shared, with another person, without their consent, or approval. I'm not to try and justify my actions, i'm just trying to explain that most of the time that I get inspired to write, its because i'm flooded with emotions and thoughts, to the point that I feel like if I don't talk to someone or write them down, they might consume me.

Ironically, I might have to break the rules again a bit with this post, but I should be able to at least remain objective with my details.

My Ex is a good person, she's a great mom, and a fantastic friend. All the qualties she had when I fell in love with her in the first place, she still has. I still love her very much, but she doesn't love me. While I can respect that, it doesn't make it any easier to get over it. It's an addiction, love. I've had some troubles quitting my other addictions, but nothing compares to this. When she says, and does hurtful things to me, it effects me way more than it normally would.

It's really hard for me to be here, one could say it is similar to trying to quit heroin, when you have a pound of it sitting on the coffee table under a plexiglass case that is locked down. You know you couldn't have it, even if you tried, but everytime you look at it, it reminds you of how much you miss it, it reminds you of all the warm feelings you used to have when you did it, and how crappy you feel without it. So, why do I stay? I repeat this to myself everyday, on a feedback loop. I stay because I don't feel like things would get better, living in my parent's basement. At least I have my kids here all the time to distract me. I have my weight set. I'm in Kelowna, and closer to my friends and support. All my resumes have this phone number and address on them. I pay the rent here, or at least most of it, and if I didn't live here, i'm afraid i'd put my ex and the girls through unnecessary stress of having to find a new place.

I really feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to get out of here. I'm drowning here, i'm just waiting for one of my resumes to come through and throw me a fucking rope.