I'm not sure why I feel like I want to keep a journal that the world can log into and read. Maybe its because I feel like I have something to say, maybe it has more with my desire to share myself with the people I care about. Maybe it has more to do with my legacy, do people know me? do they understand me? does it matter? What happens to my thoughts and ideas, my beliefs, my story, if I passed away tomorrow? would I feel like the people at my funeral had a good grasp on who I was at my core, or do they just have faded snapshots in time, of who I was when I knew them, or who they thought I was. Maybe keeping a current and up to date documentation of my ideas, thoughts and feelings will help me feel like I'm able to keep better in touch with the people who care enough to read it.
I think I should give props to Grace for being a ground breaker in this "blogging" for me. I don't really know anyone else who has a blog, most people are far more private about their thoughts and feelings to post it for the world to see, but I think in that sence Grace and I might share that in common.
I don't know where to start, with a background summery, or just start fresh with an entry about today, and move forward from there. I guess a short rundown of my recent history is probabley necessary for some of the elements of todays story to make sence.
I, Dustin Vaughan, am the proud father of two beautiful little girls. Rebekah and Lyla. They are the two constant, and unwavering lights in my life, and I've come to realize that even though they are so young, I need them, I need them as much as they need me. Especially during this dark period of my life, I need every ounce of love that I can leech, and those girls are unending sources of it.
Dark period of my life? yeah, I'm going to try to circumnavigate (good word!) the details of this a bit just out of respect for the people involed and effected by it. This is a blog about MY life and MY feelings, so i'll try to keep it on that focus. My marrige is over, the woman I thought was going to be with me for the long haul... does not want to be with me for the long haul. We currently still live together, it is a point of shame for me, and it probabley causes more harm than good, but it is financially necessary, it still has the feeling of "home", and I just want to be close to my girls. I lost my job three weeks ago, I was working on the new KGH expension, but work on that project has slowed down, and I was let go. Very bad timing, not that there is really ever great timing to be laid off, but it wouldn't have been so bad, if the economy was in full swing, and maybe if I would have had some emergency money kicking around for a time like this.
I've been trying to get out of town and into a camp style work environment, northern BC, northern alberta, yukon, NTW, nunavet (sp?) they all are littered with my resumes... no calls. I just feel like maybe its a chance to kill a few birds with one stone. I have a buttload of debt, that gets nowhere working my regular hours here in town. I have no savings. I live in a bad situation. My kids are still young enough to hopefully not notice that their dad is gone for a few months. I just figured it might be ideal for me to get out of town and make some REAL money for a few months, and then be able to come back in the fall and start rebuilding a life for myself, and my girls. Fate just isn't seeing eye to eye with me on this one. I've been applying locally lately because the most important thing is that I keep food on the table and a roof over the heads of those sweet, little girls.
This is the forest. There are many trees, but I can't show them all to you because it's 2:30am, and I'm tired. Maybe I'll take a little more time to examine a few of the trees, tomorrow.
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