Put on a happy face.

It is brought to my attention almost daily that I'm a major bummer. I just am not really sure how I should be acting.

If I was super uplifting, and inspirational, and just a special little ray of sunshine right now, wouldn't everyone be able to see through that? or at least suspect that I was on perscription drugs? If I was HAPPY about what's going on in my life right now, wouldn't people start thinking I had a winning lottery ticket I was just sitting on? or that I have been fucking a rich, super model, with a sweet personality for the last two years, and finally my ex-wife has done the dirty work for me? No, I'm not thrilled about my current position in life, but I'm not suicidal, I'm not drinking heavily, or getting into hard drugs. I'm not picking up girls with low self-esteem off internet dating sites and fucking them. I'm working my ass off to make my situation better. I'm handling my shit. I'm taking care of my kids.

I get dressed, and maintain myself everyday. I make an effort to get out of the house, at least once a day. I go out with friends every chance I get. I make plans, I see them through. I maintain a good sence of humour. I still maintain a healthy lifestyle. I've quit drinking pop, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, all SINCE being seperated from my wife, and loosing my job. I work out almost everyday. I write poetry, and blogs. I read, and I spend just about every waking hour with my beautiful girls. I've made efforts to meet new people. I eat healthier than I have in... forever. I think i'm doing pretty fucking well, and it's just a shot in the nuts everytime I have to hear about how much of a bummer I am to be around. I'm fucking trying!

I feel anxious, worried, tired, and bored, but of course I do. I spend all day taking care of two little girls, often by myself, and during my spare time, I'm looking for work, because I'm worried about paying bills and fullfilling my duties to my kids. I'm bored because after I've spent the 2-3 hours of my day doing things I like that don't cost anything, I'm still left with like 14 hours of awake time, to try and fill up with something other than spending money, or worrying about what I'm going to do if I don't find work within the next couple weeks.

I talk, and write about my fears, and my anxieties because they are on my mind a lot, and talking, or writing about them, helps me sort my feelings into cohesive thoughts. Writing about it, gets it out of my head, because it is much more destructive in my head, then it is in text. It also reminds me that I have a group of very supportive friends and family, who love me, and want to see these hard time pass.

This is the healthiest way I know how to deal with my problems. I'm not bottling them up, I'm not supressing them with drugs and sex, I'm not running from them, and hiding out in my dark basement crying about it. I'm talking about it. I'm wearing my emotions on my face. I'm expressing my feelings in the healthiest ways I can. I'm not the first person to be sad about loosing their job. I'm not the first person who had a wife who decided after a few years together that this just wasn't for her. No, I'm not the first person to go through some rough times, but I think i'm handling it like a fucking champ.

Thank you to my friends and family who are supporting me, and keeping me in their thoughts. You are all incredably valuable to me, and I count myself among the luckiest in the world when it comes to my friends and family. I love you.