Today I'm feeling anxious. Partly because its day 2 of quitting smoking. Partly because I'm still worried about my job prospects. Party because the clear vision of "my ideal future," I try to keep front and center in my mind isn't really as clear as I'd like it to be.
The aura around me is tumultuous, the air I breathe feels like smoke in my lungs, and the very ground I walk on heaves and sways, seeming intent on throwing me off my course. It gives me pause, to consider if this is an obsticle to be overcome, and to be strengthened by once I reach it's end? Or is it a sign from the very earth itself that I am on the wrong path? The answer escapes me.
I know one thing, the love I have for my daughters, and the desire I have for personal fullfillment gives me the strength to keep going, as long as I place them infront of my eyes, like a figurative carrot on a stick, the thought of giving up stops being an option. They need me, I need me, nothing else matters. As weak as I feel, as hard it is to climb out of bed, as hard it is to look into the mirror and see a meat suit that doesn't reflect the same person I feel I am inside. They are all secondary to the carrot in my face.
Going to change it up a bit here and talk about my meat suit, and the "me" that drives it.
I struggle a lot with worry, in regards to personal finances. It always has me torn. On the one hand, I am a firm beleiver that money doesn't make a man. On the other hand, living with zero disposable income, is making me miserable, it was making me feel like I was working with no reward, and now that i'm not even working, its just making me feel like a huge festering pile of shit. I don't even like money, I don't want a lot of money. I dream, like i'm sure everyone else does, of a life where work was optional, and my time was my own, money is really the only realistic way there of course, but i'm not even talking about that. I am talking about the simple things. I'm a simple kinda man, I just wanna be someone I love and understand...
I want enough to have my phone ring and hear my friends on the other end, not some collection agency, looking for money I don't have. I want to have enough that I feel like I can spend some money on a new pair of work boots, and still put food on the table that month. I want to feel like I could bring a friend who is low on money, out to wing night, and pick up his tab. Hell, I want to feel like I can afford wing night for myself. I want to feel like I'm putting money away for the future. I want to feel like one day I might be able to afford a house. I want to feel like I can afford to be laid off for a few months out of the year while work is slow and hard to find, without putting myself into debt. I want to have enough money to say "YES" more, and not have to say "I can't afford it." I want to have enough money to convey to the world, the person that I am, on the inside. This is where I've placed the dot on my map. This is my goal. The goal I referred to earlier, that was growing harder and harder to see. I goal that I've temporarily replaced with the carrot, and basic survival instincts.
I'm left wondering why. Why does such a simple goal seem so far out of reach? Why do I see a myriad of success around me, and yet it completely escapes me? What is with my shitty luck? Why can I not catch a break? Is it right for me to feel so indignant about my circumstances, when I know there are people in worse shape than me? Is it something that i've done that has lead me here? or am I right in feeling like these events have been mostly out of my control? If my current circumstances are a direct result of my own mistakes, I need to know what those mistakes were, if I am to learn from them, and correct them in the future.
I'd hate to think that this is a lesson, in a subject that i'm just failing misserably at, and I didn't even realize that I was in school. I certainly did not sign up for this course. "How to spend a year at rock bottom 101" who would volunteer for that crap! Now i'm moving onto year two, and I can't possibley imagine how I passed year one with a high enough grade to get into year two. How do I drop out? can I enroll in "Easy living 101" Is that class full? who's dick do I have to suck to get to the front of THAT line, I'm not a proud man, certainly not after passing year one of "Rock bottom." Just point me to the dick...
I just keep hoping that these trials are all in place to make the driver inside my meat suit stronger. Having a strong driver, is more valuable than any worldly object the meat suit could hope to obtain, but there are times when I feel like these trails are actually wearing the driver down, not making me stronger. My driver is tired, my meat suit is worn out. I'd happily come back and finish this part of the journey at a later date, if I could just get a breif period of respite to recover some of my strength.
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