Control.

How do we gain control over our emotions? I mean when they are REALLY strong ones?

I've often thought of myself as a pretty grounded person, I tend to be a logical thinker, and I can usually keep my emotions in check. Lately it just seems that my emotions have just taken the wheel, and they're like a 5 year old child driving a race car. When I can find a calming moment to myself, to meditate, and get myself centered again, I can regain control of the vehicle, but that emotion is on a hair trigger, and it's just getting set off, left and right.

Love, jealousy, and pride, are like deamons scratching at my brain, trying to break down the wall and gain control all the time. Love is the hardest one to fight off, because I want it so badly... but it just hurts me the worst of them all. I get to feeling like i'm mentally exhausted, from trying so hard to give my love and energy, and expecting nothing in return, but its in this weakened state that i'm the most vulnerable. It starts with feeling unappreciated, replaced, forgotten, alone, and as soon as those seeds take root, there is no chance of me fighting off the impending emotional storm.

This was never me. This is so new to me, love, jealousy and pride I mean, they're aliens in my life. I don't have the same capacity to deal with these emotions as I do with some of the other ones that i've had experience with, my whole life. Love was always something that was basically given to me, and it was easy to give away, I often took it for granted, I never thought twice about giving every ounce of it away, because I always knew it would be replenished. Now, I feel like the stockpile is running dry, and I need to stop giving so much of it away, or I'll find myself starving to death.

So how do I gain control and keep it? how do I fight these deamons into submission? I keep telling myself, "space, and time, space and time." I need to get myself alone, and begin the long process of accepting, forgetting, and rebuilding. I need to trust that I'm never going to win this war, so continuing to fight it, is just going to leave me as a casualty. I need to draw a few people inside my boarders, and then seal them off until the famine ends and I feel strong enough to share some love again. I know all this stuff, Its just getting it underway that is the tough part, its moving that first stone into place. Most importantly, its having the courage to raise the white flag, and knowing that i'm doing the right thing.

This war is over, i'm too tired to fight, i'm weak and wounded, and I need time, and space, to heal. Take my sword, and my armor, i'm going home to bed.